Hello?

It’s me…

Its been a while I know. I come in here often, open up the post publishers, compose something, quit midway and sigh deeply. Then I spend the time until the next time I log in thinking only about the post I haven’t completed. I’m simply at loss at what to see.

I’m lost. Ever since I’ve hit the 35-years-old mark and I’ve been in sort of a panic, something akin to an early mid-life crisis where I am truly observing what I’ve achieved so far and, deciding that I’ve achieved absolutely nothing, am at loss at where I’ve went wrong and what am I going to do.

Its very much possible that I’ve bypassed half of the years of my life already. In 15 years I might be retired, in 25, a decade less than my current age, I’m going to be considered a “senior” citizen. In five year’s time I will not be considered that young nor youthful anymore. You get the idea.

Yet me, the girl who wanted to do everything, try everything, be everything, fill her entire life and colour her days with activities, am sitting on my couch brooding my days away. I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore. I seriously don’t.

I’ve been let down by many. I’m not exactly successful at anything I am either even though I can give 100% and be perfect. Why? Sometimes its laziness, sometimes its being in the wrong place at the wrong time, sometimes its because I don’t have what society requires of you to succeed, something other than your ability or ethics.

Who am I? What do I want to do? I’m a female, I’m Kuwaiti, I’m married, I’m a computer engineer, and what else? Should there be something else? Am I behind, am I ahead already? What do I want? How do I behave? Do I give up? Should I invest in some unwarranted hope?

I know I need a vacation, and that long-overdue promotion. I need new scenery! New things to do, new faces to smile at, new places to visit, new food to taste. I want life, a vibrant and colourful and exciting life. I’m not ready to settle to whatever it is I’m supposed to be settling at when you are 40. I want to be a pilot, an archaeologist, an artificial intelligence researcher, a painter, a chef, a chocolatier, a coffee barista, write the next groundbreaking captivating novel, a dj, play the piano, sing, travel the world! I want to be thin again, my god if I could only be as skinny as I was, then go shopping until I’m broke for six months straight!

I want to be alive, I need to be free.

Thank you for making it here, apologies for inflicting my insecurities at you. Hopefully this means I can get over this post now its published and get back to blogging normally. One day I hope I can look back at this post and laugh at how confused I was, little 35 years old Nadooya

P.S. Is it possible that I’m the only person on earth who doesn’t like Adele’s new hit song? Well, I don’t, I think its boring but that’s just me.