Ten Things I Hate in Erotica

I know I'd catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but who the heck wants more flies? I know I don't! Certain trends have been annoying me in erotica lately. Since I'm feeling ornery today, I thought I'd list them, in no particular order:

Look at the size of it!

1. Menage à millions

I'm tiring of the menage trend. Not all menages. Some are great. In fact, I just read a good one (Behind the Duke's Door) this weekend. However, precious few men want to share their women with a horde of other dudes. My disbelief only stretches so far.

2. Cock worship

How much detail do I really need to have about the hero's dick? Seriously. If I look back on the men I've seen naked in my life I couldn't pick their peens out of a line-up.

The placement of the veins? The shape of the head? The detailing? Meh, who cares?

3. Shock as titillation

It's 2011. Nothing shocks me!

I come across things in erotica from time to time and say, "Huh, I didn't know you could do that." However, those instances fascinate me on a scientific level, not a sexual one.

4. Autobiography

My skin crawls just thinking about it. If you love it, good on you. Me hates!

5. Exposition at the time of orgasm

Have you ever read a story where a character at the pinnacle of climax starts thinking about their mom? Or dad? Or experiences in high school? Um, yeah.

6. Heroines who screw without feeling (or think they can)

Engaging in intercourse with a person changes your feelings about said person, for women at least. That's part of what makes sex so dangerous, and exciting. When a heroine screws a guy and has no feelings whatsoever about it, I lose faith in her self-awareness.

7. Double standards

The unspoken cliche that heros need to be stallions and heroines virgins pisses me off no end. Men who fuck everything that isn't nailed down are not normal. They have issues, or at the very least something to prove.

Similarly, thirty-something females don't stay virgins for no reason.

They need a reason! Not a sorry-ass, circumstantial reason– an effin' serious, heavy, emotional reason! That reason could be deep and abiding religious faith. I'm not against that! But the happens-to-be-a-virgin-at-thirty thing is dumb. And sexist.

8. Born-again virgins

This cracks me up! I keep seeing stories in which the heroine has not had sex in X number of years, and hence is "like a virgin." *Cue Madonna*

9. Word repetition

I once read "ass" five times on a single page of erotica. No one needs to hear "ass" that many times. "Ass" looses it's "ass"-ness with repetition. G-d created euphemisms for a reason. Use 'em!

10. Bad writing

I can roll with just about anything if it's well-written. Blood play? Sure! Menage with 100 guys? Of course! Born-again virgin heroine and her enormous-cocked stallion hero? Awesome! But if the writing is bad, all I see is the flaws.

Here endeth the rant. Stones have been placed nearby for your convenience. Hurl them at your leisure.