Feedback Request

Dear Evil Editor,

I have taken some time to further reflect on my query and am sending you the most recent update. Thank you again for all your suggestions, and especially for helping me to rephrase my last version so neatly.

I have a few questions for everyone on this draft. First, is it important to mention why Rae and Arella are working against the king, (they are trying to save their father-the leader of the rebellion) or can I leave that out? Second, please tell me if I am clear enough on Ana's powers, or if more detail is required. Once again, thank you to everyone for your patience and input!


All of the other kids took on physical traits of an animal when they were eight, except Ana. Abandoned as "different" by her family and feared by her former friends, she has raised herself in the woods for eight years.

When a fire drives her out of the forest, Ana joins up with a coyote girl named Arella and her dog brother Rae. Rather than fear Ana, Rae and Arella sympathize, and offer to let her travel with them. They are off to see the king, who they say could help Ana become like everyone else.

As they journey to the castle, Ana finds she is suddenly able to defeat her enemies without ever touching them. Soldiers carry word of this girl with super powers to the king, who decides he has good use for her. Meanwhile, Rae and Arella confess that they are criminals secretly working against the king. Now Ana must decide: does happiness lie with her new "friends," the king, or is she better off alone?

Keeper of the Woods is a 56,000-word middle grade fantasy novel.

Sincerely,


Notes

All you've done to my version of your last version is make minor changes in two sentences. Your first sentence, "All of the other kids took on physical traits of an animal when they were eight, except Ana." leaves me wondering whether you mean the other children in her neighborhood, her school, her town... Apparently you want that age of eight in there, so try: Ana was born human, but unlike other children, she didn't take on the physical traits of an animal when she was eight years old.

Did her parents abandon her the day she turned nine? That's pretty cold. If I'd raised a kid that long, I think I'd hold out hope that she was a late bloomer, take her to the doctor or the shaman, etc. I probably wouldn't give up on her till she was at least twelve. In which case after eight more years in the woods she'd be twenty. Is she twenty?

Your other change: "Ana begins displaying uncontrollable powers" becomes "Ana finds she is suddenly able to defeat her enemies without ever touching them." You haven't mentioned that she has any enemies, unless you mean the family and friends who abandoned her. And defeating enemies without touching them is not specific enough. Superman could do that with his super breath or his heat vision. Doctor strange with magic. Green Lantern with his power ring. Robin Hood with a bow and arrow. The Human Torch with fireballs. I could go on for pages. 

Confessing that their father is the rebellion leader puts Rae and Arella in a better light than confessing that they are criminals. Or it might, if we only knew why the king is being rebelled against.