Feedback Request

Dear EE,

I can't seem to get it that if I'm not clear readers will make up stuff. It seems the query is a trade off between brevity and clarity. Or maybe I just haven't found the sweet spot yet. Hinting doesn't work that's for sure. So I've taken another crack at it. It's longer. It feels a bit "stuffed" to me but it's closer to the story. I really really appreciate the feedback.


Former Marine MP Trevor Hayworth is now a mailman. One day, while he’s delivering, a young woman begs him to help her escape her captor—but warns against calling the police. When he returns at night to discover the girl being abused he breaks in and stun-guns the man. The girl, Alita, tells Hayworth her captor is a boss in an international sex trafficking ring, and ranking police officers are his clients. While Hayworth processes this mess, two couriers arrive for a money pick up. When the dust clears the couriers are tied up, the boss is dead, and the mess has metastasized.

Later, Hayworth and Alita are in his pickup, racing out of San Diego for Tucson, where the girl’s family is visiting from San Salvador—according to a questionable source. Also in the pickup is a list of names and numbers of ring leaders and their clients. Hunting the two with police technology are corrupt cops, trafficking thugs, and a twisted newspaper reporter who moonlights as a hitman.

While on the run, Hayworth gets the trafficking info to an attorney friend, who implores him to come in. Hayworth is torn between his commitment to Alita—who is illegal and wishes to see her family before confronting authorities—and his premonition it won’t be the family waiting in Tucson, just the mad dogs.


Notes

You've added some good specifics--use of police technology to track them, the attorney vs Alita conflict. Let's look at the differences between your first paragraph and the version I suggested in the earlier post, which was:

Former Marine MP Trevor Hayworth hears a woman calling out to him from a nearby house, begging for rescue. He pulls out his cell phone, but she warns against calling the police. Hayworth breaks in and subdues her captor. The girl, Alita, says the man runs an international sex trafficking ring with ranking police officers among his clients. As Hayworth processes this mess, two couriers arrive for a money pick up. When the dust clears, the couriers are tied up, the boss is dead, and the mess has metastasized.

1. My version leaves out the fact that Hayworth is a mailman. This may be crucial in the book, but in the query its only purpose is to explain what Hayworth is doing at the house where she lives. We don't need to know how he happens to be there because it's a random event. He could be a plumber or just a guy walking down the street.

2. In my version the woman calls out to Hayworth. This at least hints that she's at some distance, and as we read on we may infer that she's locked in an upstairs room. When you say: "while he’s delivering, a young woman begs him to help her escape her captor," I have questions. Where is she that she can talk to him but can't escape? Is she tied to a tree? Where's her captor?

3. In my version, Hayworth immediately helps the girl. In yours he returns hours later, having acquired a stun gun. Any ex-Marine worth his salt who can get close enough to the villain to use a stun gun should be able to take him down without the stun gun, so I want to know why he leaves this damsel in distress and comes back that night, which could be too late to help. You're probably thinking, But my way is how it happens in the book, and your way is a lie. Silly boy. Your way may make perfect sense in the book, where you have room to explain Hayworth's reasoning, but in the query you should keep it simple.

Now you're thinking, But what happens when the agent who liked my query asks to see the manuscript and when she reads it she finds out Hayworth lets the abuser have his way with the girl while he delivers mail, and later comes back to help? No problem, because:

1.  By now the agent has completely forgotten what you said in your query.
2. Either there's a perfectly logical reason for Hayworth's actions in the book, or you've realized that there isn't, and changed the book to match the query. 

Apparently you feel that it would also be a crime to say Alita has family in Tucson when they aren't actually there. If she believes they're there and Hayworth believes it as well (since he's driving her there) that's good enough for the query. They're there. The agent won't reject you when she finds out they aren't there and possibly never were. You hint at that anyway with the last sentence.

All of which is not to say use my versions word-for-word. Just convince us you have a good story that isn't full of holes.