Fine

When I was in high school, I was always pretending to be okay. I was always faking a smile and acting as though I was just dandy. When people asked me how I was I would put on a brave face. I was “fine, just fine. Tired. But fine!” I grew accustomed to saying those things and after a while it became second nature. Years later, I still do the same things in relationships.

If I’m being totally honest, I would describe myself as: oversensitive, anxious, emotional, impassioned, optimistic, and empathetic.

In relationships, I try to turn into perfect Liz: she doesn’t cry, she doesn’t show her feelings, and she definitely doesn’t say “I love you” first.

I turn my true traits off as if they were never there in the first place. If I’m upset, I smile. If I don’t want him to leave, I tell him to go. If I know exactly how I’m feeling, I tell him I’m not sure. *Cue What Do You Mean by Justin Bieber.*

I do that because past relationships have undermined the crier, the hopeless romantic, the girl who really believes in love and marriage. And I convinced myself a long time ago, after the first “you’re way too emotional for me,” that that girl, the girl that’s brutally honest about how she’s really feeling, gets hurt. She just does.

After a seemingly perfect Thanksgiving break that ended in plane rides and long distance, I found myself acting like my real self behind closed doors. Obviously that included bingeing on Peanut Butter Cups, watching endless amounts of Gilmore Girls, and running to my Twilight books for support.

My genuine friends knew that this would happen. They just knew that this kind of relationship was too much for me. Too much for the sentimental, attached, frightened by change and uncontrollable situations version of myself. So obviously, a long distance love affair was just asking for trouble.

When I sat down today though after class, tears and pajamas nowhere to be found, I started to think about who I really am, the kind of person I am in a relationship, and what I can and cannot handle.

After writing for a while, I came up with a few conclusions:

I am:
A crier. I can’t deny that. I am afraid of the dark (and obviously the boogy man……… And spiders and mice and squirrels and horses and a whole slew of other random objects.) But if someone can’t acknowledge the good things about being sensitive, what does that say about them?

And I urge men that don't like sensitivity to answer these three questions:
• Do they want a woman who isn’t sensitive to raise children?
• Do they want a woman who isn’t sensitive to be there for them when they're upset?
• Do they want to be in a relationship with a god-damn stone? Or were they really just looking for a relationship with someone of the same sex? (I do not have the characteristics of a dude, damn it.)

After writing the list, I realized a few things. First of all, I've dealt with A LOT of problems in past relationships. It's okay to want to put a guard up as a result. But I shouldn't fake a smile, I can’t pretend to be fine, and I definitely can’t act as though I’m not emotionally invested when I am. That's not genuine and honest.

In the relationship I’m in now my mind is constantly racing. I'd be lying if I said that I always felt great about being far away from each other. And for the first time in a while, I realized that it's okay to tell him that. Because if I act like myself and the guy doesn't respond well, is he really compatible with me in the first place?