Should Everyone "Get" You?

"But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood." — The Animals

I recently read a blog post that slammed Amy Chua's controversial bestseller Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. It's just part of a growing litany of criticism the author is receiving regarding her book about strict Chinese mothers and their children's academic prowess. Many take it as a tract against American values, others as a recipe for familial implosion. Some even see it as borderline child abuse. Either way, the book has proven polarizing (see the disparity in 5 star and 1 star Amazon reviews below.)

Then last week, I heard a radio interview with Ms. Chua… and my whole perspective changed. She said she was shocked by how divisive the book was becoming, and never intended it to be that way. According to the author, about 70% of readers "get" the book. They laugh. They think. The other thirty percent hate it. Just hate it. And really, there is nothing Amy Chua can do to change that perspective. People either "get" Tiger Mother, or they don't.

I recently guest posted on another website and, as the comments came in, found myself scratching my head. Did these folks "get" me? I felt they were totally missing my point. It was frustrating and I initially opted just to leave the objections unanswered. Nevertheless,  I eventually returned to clarify where I thought I was being misunderstood and what I actually meant.

Which is like explaining a joke — after that, it just ain't funny.

If you blog or participate in social networking, it's only a matter of time before someone doesn't "get" you. They miss your humor. They misinterpret your sarcasm. They draw conclusions you never intended. They charge you with being mean, rude, contentious, profane, or misguided. And you find yourself having to clarify, backtrack, or apologize. You know this feeling, right?

Well, I'm starting to wonder if this isn't a good thing. Perhaps everyone shouldn't "get" you, and the more you try to make them, the more you lose something of yourself.

My wife has noted that my older son, Chris, loves my sense of humor. I will say something wry and witty, and no one else in the room will laugh. Except Chris. Question: Is this a bad thing? Sure, maybe I need to work on my timing or evaluate my vocabulary. Or perhaps my humor is too dry or too highbrow. Then again, maybe that's a special bond that Chris and I have. He "gets" me.

I think the same might be true of our readers. Sure, there is always room to be clearer, more diplomatic, and less snarky. Nevertheless, could it be that the sacred part of friendship, of readership, and fandom, is having others who "get" you?

And others who don't?

You know, some have built a career around being misunderstood. The legendary director Francois Truffaut said this about a notable contemporary, "Hitchcock loves to be misunderstood, because he has based his whole life around misunderstandings." It's true of many successful people, be they commentators, performers, or entrepreneurs — nobody always "gets" them.

Does this bother you? I mean, should everyone always "get" you?

Of course, this isn't meant as a license for rudeness or cliquishness. I mean, the fact that people don't "get" you could mean you're doing something wrong. Maybe your humor is too dry, your intellect is too highbrow, or your communication skills suck. It also could mean you're just not funny. So, yes, we should seek to be understood. However, the worst thing we could do — especially as a blogger or an author — is to constantly have to explain ourselves and dumb our stuff down. As far as I can tell, people who excel are more about being themselves than constantly apologizing for it.

In fact, if you have to explain yourself to everyone who doesn't "get" you, they probably still won't.

I use a lot of sarcasm. I tend to be cynical, pessimistic, and over-think things. I believe in lifting my hands in worship, having a cold beer, laughing, and hugging people. I believe in logic and evidence. I believe that if we stand for nothing, we'll fall for anything. I am not afraid to speak my mind and believe that sacred cows make great main courses. I hate having enemies, but know I will make some. I use too many adjectives. I believe people die incrementally, and shocking them may save their lives. Some people have stopped reading my blog because of these things.

What can I say?

So I'm thinking that the more we try to make sure everyone "gets" us, the more we lose our uniqueness. If you just be yourself, some people won't "get" you. Deal with it. Because not being yourself is ultimately worse than being occasionally misunderstood.

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QUESTION: How important do you think it is for a blogger and an author to avoid being misunderstood? Is it tactically better to try to be understood by more people, or cultivate a niche of folks who "get" you? Is there a difference between people "getting" you and understanding you? What percentage of people "get" you?