How Do You See Yourself?

It’s funny how different our self-concept can be from the perception other people hold of us. Have you ever found yourself rubbing up against a perception that you felt was not really of YOU… the YOU you know? I have. It happens to me all the time. People have a sense of who I am and then predict how I’ll behave. When I don’t do as they expect, they’re shocked, even offended.

This isn’t just a public figure issue. This used to happen to me even as a young woman before I was ‘famous.’ Back in the day, I was a skinny girl, five foot seven and about 120 lbs soaking wet. When I dated, men would comment on my voracious appetite: I could put away an appetizer, a 12-oz steak, baked potato, veggies, salad and still have room for dessert. They’d watch me eat, nodding and smiling. They just didn’t expect me to pack it away.

I get the same reaction when I swear like a sailor. People are more used to it now, I think, so I don’t often get the same kind of response. Or maybe it’s that I’m older. But back when I was a pretty young thing people were rocked back on their heels when I let loose with my favourite swear words.

People also seem to think I love rules, which I do not. I know rules are important, and that they make life easier. (You don’t have to weigh every single thing that happens when you have some rules you can pull out.) But I believe rules are only important when they serve you. If a rule gets in my way, I’m not above going around it to achieve the end I want. It can be off-putting to many people. But more deadly to me would be to blindly follow a rule that I know is not going to get me to where I want to be.

I don’t much care what people think of me. Some people like me. Some people don’t. I’m okay with that. What I’m not going to do is change who I am in the hope of getting more people to like me. Those people who know me and love me for who I am are all I need. The rest can criticize, comment, condemn. You can only please some of the people some of the time, and I’m fine with that.

But what about you?

How much do you find yourself adapting your style to the people in your life? How often do you quash something that wants to tumble out of your mouth for fear of offending or, worse, making someone angry? Have you ever changed what you were planning to wear when you considered what someone you were meeting might say? Have you guided conversations away from topics you didn’t want to discuss because you knew your opinion would not be appreciated?

If someone were to give you five words that they thought best described you, how close would they be to the five words you would use to describe yourself.

I recently did this experiment with some friends on Facebook. First I wrote on a piece of paper the five words I would use to best describe myself: outspoken, honest, loving, joyful, smart.

Here are the first 10 lists I got:

Loving, driven, resilient, fun, loud
Smart, loving, funny, bold, beautiful
Loyal, funny, artistic, wise, thoughtful
Funny, frank, creative, adventurous, generous
Funny, industrious, curious, brilliant, insightful
Creative, funny, outgoing, thoughtful, generous
Funny, ballsy, industrious, thoughtful, boisterous and joyful (some people just will not follow the rules, y’know!)
Hilarious, fierce, adventurous, honest, brilliant
Self-assured. Knowledgeable. Hilarious. Warm.
Smart, practical, determined, generous, blunt, kind (I know that’s 6 so sue me) HA!

Now these are my friends, so I get why there aren’t more derogatory terms in the lists. What I really like, though, is how many of my words show up on their lists. How they see me and how I see myself are similar. Some use words I, too, would use if my list were longer, like loud and curious. But there are big differences too: It turns out a lot of people (including my kids) think I’m funny.

Try this experiment. You might be surprised at how similar (or not) your word list is to those of the people whom you ask to describe you.