From Your Friends at The Preserve
Some of you may already be familiar with the amazing emails from my apartment complex. The main office is that adult whose helicopter parent has never really let it experience the harshness of the world, and now it’s basically crying itself to sleep every night.
As someone whose husband is a cop, and whose husband entered into the police academy the same week that a little something called Ferguson, Missouri, entered into the news, my nerves are basically shot when it comes to danger. I’m not immune, but like, I get it, okay? I’ve already had the 5 am call waking me up to tell me something bad has happened. And for each shit that I don’t have left to give, John has five fewer.
So when The Preserve sends me an email telling me to be scared, it’s really more of a gift, like one of the wise men traveling across the expanse to bring comedy gold to my nativity. That was a terrible simile.
Anyway, I received this email today. Keep in mind that the apartment complex I lived in before this one was actually a little dangerous. It had a sliding glass door leading up from a public-access stairway and leading into my bedroom. The Yelp for that place is basically full of reviews mentioning peeping Toms. I was walking my dogs back from the school field next door at night when I saw this lovely three-generation troop of grandfather, father, and son walking toward me. I smiled, thinking how nice it was to see fathers involved in the lives of their sons, before the grandfather, who, once I was in close proximity I realized was drunk, said, “Daaaamn girl! What you got in those pants?!” (I didn’t think I needed to explain it, really.) I had my car stolen from the parking lot there, and when the cop showed up, he said, “Yeah, we’ll find it a couple streets over in a while,” and he was right. Dude called it. The list goes on with that place, so when I moved to The Preserve, I might not have felt at home without a little bit of crime. And finally it has arrived. Finally. The Preserve has not handled it well, though, and it has shaken this quiet community to its middle-class core. Below is the email regarding the recent crimes, with my edits in red, because if they’re really trying to scare their residents (which seems likely) I think they could do better:
Please be advised that we have been informed of recent criminal activity involving alleged stolen vehicles. This incident occurred at The Preserve at […] at approximately 3am on 11/24/15. This is an unfortunate reminder that crime can happen anywhere and at any time. And if you’re reading this, it’s happening right behind you! But seriously, you could die at any time. Furthermore, we would like to take this opportunity to remind you, your family, occupants and visitors to be as cautious as possible with respect to your property and your surroundings. Everything you hold dear is now in jeopardy.
We have reached out to the APD and they have stated that no information regarding this alleged incident is being released at this time. We take that to mean that something really bad has transpired that is beyond the capacity of your imagination.
We would like to suggest that you get to know your neighbors, especially the one that’s a cop, because otherwise your neighbors really aren’t that useful and always lock your door(s) and windows when you leave your apartment. We also suggest keeping your door(s) and windows locked when you are inside your apartment, because that’s when they strike. We urge you to make sure all existing locks and latches in your apartment are working properly. Also, your mother asked us to remind you to please do not answer the door to anyone that you do not know and is not expected. You should remember this from back when your mother decided nine was old enough to be left home alone if it meant she wouldn’t murder you in a bathtub the next time you listed off the limited edition Ty Beanie Babies you wanted for Christmas. Please notify us in writing, immediately, if any repairs need to be made. We will complete your service request within 168 hours, due to our reluctance to pay more than one maintenance guy to service all 500 units, and assuming you are not already murdered by then.
If you have occasion to walk around the community at night (you creep), we urge that you refrain from walking alone, because that’s just asking for it, you know? I mean, we’ve had a car stolen, so this is basically international waters now. We also suggest that you contact your insurance agent and maintain insurance coverage to protect yourself [wait are they suggesting I need ample life insurance to live here?], your personal belongings and those of your guests, assuming you have any guests brave enough to visit you in what is now, statistically, “the hood.“
If you ever notice any of the following, please contact the local law enforcement agency or 911 immediately. [And this is where I get really lost, because I don’t understand what law enforcement number is better suited for an emergency than 911.]
Suspicious persons, including but not limited to car thieves. And people who are, um, tall and maybe look like they could play college basketball… You know what we mean. Athletes. [This is where most of my neighbors nod and give meaningful looks to their computer screens.]
Suspicious activity, such as crawling through windows that are unlocked or walking alone at night without a companion, or dribbling a basketball.
Observe a crime in progress. Resist the impulse to sigh in satisfaction at seeing a job well done, because that is obviously the first impulse of many when witnessing a goddamn crime in progress.
Or, need police assistance of any kind. Did you even know what 911 was for before this? We didn’t think so.
After notifying the local authorities, please contact the management office, apartment answering service or other appropriate on-site personnel*, assuming you are not already dead.
As even you can understand, no one can ensure the personal safety of yourself or that of your guests, not even God Himself. God doesn’t care about you, and you’re on your own. We regret to be the ones to inform you of this. We believe that by taking an active role in personal safety and security, you may be able to deter unnecessary issues that can arise involving yourself, your guests and others around you, and if you don’t, that’s on you, asshole. Don’t even think about suing us. It’s not our responsibility to make sure the entry gates work properly or that the locks on pedestrian gates are activated.
*So I have to tell this story. A neighbor approaches John and tells him that her neighbor had a prowler the previous night. John says he’ll report it to the office. So he goes to the office and lets one of the leasing consultants know that a resident reported a prowler. She says, “Why didn’t she report it to the cops?” And he says, “She did. I’m a cop.” And she says, “Well, she needs to file a report with a cop.” And he says, “She did. She told me.” And she said, “Why did she tell you?” And he said, “Because I’m a cop. And I’m letting you know right now that there was a prowler.” And she says, “Well, she needs to come in here and report it herself.” And he says, “Okay. But I’m an Austin police officer and I’m telling you.” And she says, “She need to come in and report it herself.”
So for those of you who aren’t living in the shanty town we call The Preserve, with hike-and-bike trails, two pools, free weekly yoga and fitness classes, community movie nights, a privately contracted security officer, and multiple car thefts, I hope that you are able to enjoy your Thanksgiving with family and this year add something new to your list of things for which to be thankful: the blessed knowledge that no matter what you do, danger always lurks around the corner. No matter what you do. Amen.
