How NOT to sell books!

Sanyel, the main character from my Sanyel series novels was disappointed in me. Her exciting adventures, as chronicled by yours truly, had no readers. Three years after the first book came out, her life tales, filled with danger, intrigue, mystery, and remarkable exploits, had gone unnoticed. Now, Sanyel was not someone born to go unnoticed. She was not happy. I advised we talk. (The following conversation is verbatim. Please don't let the missing quotation marks confuse you. Two people (one imaginary) are actually speaking. I am the first speaker.)

Things aren’t going well, are they?

No, it seems not. I really thought people would be more interested in my adventurous life.

I would have thought so, too. Not too many female characters out there have such remarkable poise, intellect, wit, and deadly skills as you do.

Why, thank you. At least someone appreciates me.

Well, I created you.

That could be the problem right there. Perhaps Stephen King should have created me, or Neil Gaiman. Even John Green. Those writers, at least, have readers.

Hold on. I agree I’m not a name writer, but it takes time to build a fan base.

Ha! Three years and counting. You should at least have two or three fans by now. What was the last count? One and a half I believe.

Well, that half fan is very loyal, so I wouldn’t dismiss her as inconsequential.

I want more.

How do you suggest we get more?

Write better books? Hey, I’m joking. You’re no Stephen King, though. Just want to make that clear.

He doesn’t even write in my genre.

What is your genre, by the way?

Young adult, I think. No wait, that isn’t a genre. Adventure, maybe? Action? A little fantasy, a dash of mystery? I don’t know.

How are readers supposed to know where to find our books if you don’t even know the genre?

Oh, these are our books now?

I do have a part in them, and it happens to be a major part. Where would you be without me?

Don’t get cocky. I could start writing about your friend, Izzy. Who wouldn’t want to read about a one-armed, tattooed, teenage girl who happens to be a master swordsman?

Well, you do realize she is already in the books you have written about me. That doesn’t seem to have increased your fan base.

That was cold.

Perhaps you need to spice up the books a bit.

Are you kidding? They are nonstop action, at least once you get through the early and necessary explanatory material, which, I must say, is not very extensive and is interesting in and of itself.

In and of itself?

Yes, that is an acceptable phrase. Do you have a problem with it?

No. I just don’t know what it means.

Well, I don’t either, but I’m using it anyway.

Why did our first book fail to generate interest, and then the second, and now probably the third, which I understand you plan to release in December, and which I also understand is the worst month to release a book?

That debacle is a tale worthy of its own book, although you could add the words 'of ignorance' after the word 'tale' if accuracy is your thing. It seems I chose not to market the first book, just threw it out there and expected readers to lap it up. I know now that readers don’t enjoy lapping up books because it’s awkward for their tongues, and a bit dry. Also, they couldn’t find them after the first week, since the literary gods decide to punish those who don’t market in an incessant and annoying manner. They relegate their books to Amazon’s (and every other book seller’s) purgatory where they live out their inconsequential lives ranked as the three millionth most popular book on a list of two million.

So, that explains what happened to the first book in the series. What happened to the second?

Well, I planned to change things for that book. I had read about all the glorious strategies to compel readers to drop everything and ask for—no, demand—my book, and to have it available in their electronic reading device by yesterday. Oh, the wonders of preorders and giveaways! I would get reviews from bloggers and find the appropriate forums (no spamming, please) to ask readers to grant me their glorious reviews and star-stacked ratings! I was stoked! Then, something came over me. I decided I didn’t want to do all that. Maybe this time it would be different. Maybe by now readers had taken it upon themselves to adjust their tongues, enabling them to lap up my book without difficulty. Yes! This could happen!

So, I’m guessing you threw the second book out there with no marketing campaign either.

That does appear to be the case.

Are you nuts?

That does appear to be the case.

Do you even use social media? Do you know how?

I have a Twitterer account—or is it Tweeterer? I’m even on the Facebook. And don’t look now, but I also have—get this—a website!

Do you know how to use any of those?

I tweetered something the other day—I think. My Facebook author page has nine whole likes, so I couldn't be happier with that! My website is cool. Images move around on it. Why, I don’t really know.

I’m afraid to ask what you plan for this third book in the series. It’s called Circles and Stones, right?

Yes, that is the title. I hope to get it out there in December.

Big marketing campaign?

Nah, probably not.

That incomprehensible strategy does not make me happy, Michael.

I think we’ve already established that, Sanyel.


That concluded our conversation. Needless to say (which means I’m going to say it anyway), Sanyel and I are no longer on speaking terms. I hope to remedy that when Circles and Stones becomes the best seller we both feel it has an excellent chance of becoming. All it will take is a huge, strategic ad campaign and an unrelenting social media blitz. Unfortunately, I am incapable of organizing or implementing anything so grand. Therefore, look for Circles and Stones sometime in December. You'll most likely have to try really hard to find it. I can’t guarantee I’ll give any further pre-notice than this, probably just throw it out there.

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