Spooky Goings On

There are strange disappearances in this house, and I think our spare bedroom is some kind of trans-dimensional portal.

By this time on Sunday we will be soaking up the Canary Islands sun and beer. But, as always, we first have to pack the cases and that is a logistical exercise which would tax Fedex’s finest brains.

It’s the wife’s fault. She understands the principles of two suitcases, but she cannot grasp the difference between kilograms and tonnes, so while I can get away with an outrageously priced, 5p Tesco carrier bag and pack in five minutes, getting her ready takes at least four attempts.

So off we went upstairs for a final assault on the cases, and I took with me my usual requirements: smoke, a cup of tea, an ashtray and the case-weighing scale (pictured below).

We pottered and primped, unloaded and reloaded, threw out the ironing board, and put in the hammer drill, and finally we were ready to weigh the cases.

But the scale had disappeared. We looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. We emptied the cases and refilled them and it was nowhere to be seen.

A curious state of affairs, and I needed a smoke to think about it. But now the ashtray had also disappeared.

I made my way downstairs where I discovered that the ashtray had reappeared on the table, but the scale was still missing. Going back up with the ashtray, I now learned that the missus had disappeared.

The reaction of most husbands would be panic, but I have to admit that before the worry could set in, my first thought was the amount I’ll save in Lanzarote next week on her beer, sweets, meals and perfume.

As it happens, she turned up, also downstairs digging into the cupboards, looking for the scale which we still couldn’t find.

At the time of writing the scale is still AWOL. I suspect it’s been nicked by some scroat in an alternate universe who is now trying to calculate how many smargolik his cases weigh before he sets off on his annual holiday to Mrodineb .

Either that or Her Indoors threw it in the dustbin because she didn’t know what it was.

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