We Need to Talk about This

Hello friends, I pray you are well.

As I mentioned in my message to our church this weekend, we have to address the sexual sin in our church.

At the end of last week an ACFer wrote me and offered some perspective he had received during the 40 days. He told me that he felt tat we needed to address pornography in our church. When I asked him why, he responded by sharing his story with me. It’s a beautiful story of God’s mercy and healing.

Today, with his permission (and anonymously), I share it with you:

Ever since I remember I had the habit of biting my fingernails. Sure, you may not call me your traditional addict, but it was still an addiction that impacted my way of life. Unlike a chemical dependency where you are able to check into rehab and just stay away from the fix, I had the product with me at all times. As A child I was ashamed of how my fingers looked and as I got older I learned how to hide the effects of my addiction. During my adolescence I was introduced to another highly addictive drug. Like many men I was introduced to pornograhy at an early age. Unlike today’s culture, it wasn’t as readily available on any device at any time but you still knew where to get it. The crazy thing is, as I grew up, I was more ashamed of the outward condition of my fingernails than my porn addiction. 

Even today in my late 30’s I see  culture and men openly joke and talk about pornography with other men as sort of an unwritten man code. It is almost accepted and expected within circles of men yet while in the presence of our families often hidden or whispered about. Unlike my fingernails, I was able to hide this addiction from my wife and children which I thought wasn’t affecting them.

Like many, my addiction started out small. A few minutes with a source and a quick hit. That no longer gave me the high I desired so it led to more and more which cost me sleep and although I didn’t think it was hurting anyone, it impacted my attitude at work, at home, and how I was leading my family spiritually. Not only was I secretly finding time away from my family, but I started to change my view on how my wife should be submissive to me or be an object mainly for my sexual pleasure.

I started to believe that woman enjoyed being used in a submissive fashion and those groans were of pleasure instead of cries for help. These visions started to take over and control my thoughts and views of my wife and how she was supposed to look, dress, and serve me. She became an object for my sexual needs and I no longer looked at her as my loving bride but as servant who should wait on my every desire. This obviously impacted my wife and her view on herself and led her into a depressed state. As my wife continued to feel more and more depressed, I was feeling more and more prideful which continued to widen the gap in our relationship. This ultimately led me down the path towards destruction of my marriage, my family, and my faith. 

Through what I later realized are a series of God-events I finally awoke to the realization that I was on the edge of destruction. I had a choice to make of which path I wanted to go. The one path led to short term desire, satisfaction, perceived freedom, and to a life with little to no responsibility. The other path was to check myself into what I now consider a spiritual rehab. I realized that if I wanted to keep my family intact I had to change my actions and I had to change them now. I could not take another step forward, not a single one because if I did I would be hurling down that cliff to what I now realize led to the death of my soul. I knew that I couldn’t do this on my own and I needed an intervention so I called out to God and asked him to intervene in my life. At that moment I could feel an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. I could see the path back to my family and Jesus there to be my guide through it. I knew that the path back would be filled with pain, shame, heartache, humiliation which would result in the death of the god I was worshipping, me. I asked God to please forgive me of my sins through the redemption of his son Jesus and show me the steps to take which led back to my family. 

I knew that I had to change my actions and remove those triggers that might take me off the path. When I traveled I changed the hotel I would have normally stayed at which was near the bar scene to a hotel with no distractions around it. I knew that I could no longer put myself in situations where an attractive woman might sit next to me and I may be tempted to see if I still “had it.” I knew I had to break my addiction to pornography and instead found time to read the gospel. I pulled away from going out with  my friends and re-engaged with my wife and family.  I didn’t know it at the time but God’s hand was already at work in resurrection of my marriage. He brought men into my life who reintroduced me back to the church and into a men’s group. Even though God had illuminated the path to take, He still required me to take the steps and make the correct choices. 

Eventually, the step led to me communicating my infidelity to my wife. But why? Things were going well, we were dating again, spending time together as a family, and we were on spiritual highs. I chose to ignore and put off this step for many months as it just never seemed to be the right time. During this time my wife had signed up for a mission trip. As part of her preparation she wanted us to get baptized together. I believe that due to the shame I had, I deflected her request and eventually sent her on her way. While on her trip I received a picture from my wife showing her being baptized. At that moment I lost it. I missed out on the opportunity to share in this beautiful gift with my wife and she was going to move on spiritually without me. I knew that I had to divulge my secret to my wife if I truly wanted to walk with her in the light. With my parents visiting for the long weekend I felt this provided me with the best time to tell my wife. My parents would watch the kids while we would get a hotel room for Saturday night and hash it out. I took Friday off work and spent the day golfing with my father. During the round I told him what I had done and explained what I had planned for the weekend. He gave me some encouraging words and agreed to watch the kids for the weekend.  

That night we watched The Bible miniseries and watched as Abraham had relations with Hagar which sat uneasy with me as we went to bed. As we lay in bed, my wife comments on the show and asks, “Have you ever cheated on me?” Although this wasn’t the time or day I was going to tell her, I answered “Yes”. As you can imagine silence filled the room followed by a “What?”  As I shared my shameful confession with my wife I couldn’t believe the words that came out of her mouth next, “I forgive you.” Through the night my wife and I talked, cried, and eventually tried to get a limited amount of restless sleep. While my wife was on her mission trip she learned of a spiritually led weekend marriage counseling retreat aimed to address affair recovery using biblical principles. She made a call and miraculously there was one planned for the next weekend and although there is typically a waiting list (go figure) we were able to get in. My parents were supportive and agreed to stay the following weekend while we went on a “couples church retreat” as we told the kids. Although it was a very difficult weekend filled with tears, pain, and truth, it was paramount to the start of our recovery process. 

We are four years post-affair and three years post-disclosure. The impact of my selfish actions still continue to haunt my wife. Pictures taken during that time, movie scenes, song lyrics, and places around town provide a constant reminder to her at times. Thankfully the triggers which haunt her happen less now as time passes. As for me, with God’s help and protection I still continue to fight the good fight. As a sign of my faith and gratitude I was baptized with my wife and kids by my side. Sure, the devil continues to try to knock me off my path and I have moments of weakness where I find my eyes wondering or inappropriate thoughts race through my head, but as I stay engaged and close to God and remember his promises I find the comfort and ability to overcome my inner demons. Through his grace and power of the Holy Spirit I am free from both of my addictions. 

There have been many benefits realized through the freedom over my addictions. First and foremost I find the time to be in the word. This provides a daily reminder of God’s promise and glory while I stay on the path. I also have time to engage in community with fellow Christian men who support me on my journey and share in similar struggles. My relationship with my wife is as strong than it’s ever been. I am no longer presented with fantasies of what she should be but rather I am able to share in the beauty of who she is. We generally are able to go to bed at the same time which increases our time to communicate, snuggle and get a good night’s rest. Our children are experiencing the difference and now being raised in a loving and engaged family unit and responding accordingly. I am now proud to be a role model for my children and not scared at what secrets they may stumble upon or addictions I may pass down to them. 

On of our favorite movies is the 1999 adaptation of Great Expectations. In it, one of the characters tells another to not bite his nails as many believe the hands are the pathway to the soul. In my case I find this to be true, for 30+ years I tried to fight my own battles and for that many years I was ashamed of what my hands had done and looked like. Now, knowing God’s redemptive promises through his son Jesus Christ I am set free from the condemnation and proud to walk in the light with my hands held high!

“Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”

2 Timothy 2:22 NIV

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.”

1 John 2:15-17 NIV

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”

Ephesians 5:11-13 NIV

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV

“When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

James 1:13-15 NIV

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

Romans 8:1-2 NIV

For immediate help and guidance on affair recovery, CLICK HERE.

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