But I LIKE Animals!

Oh Look – Honey! Hello? Is Anyone There?

But I LIKE Animals!

Have you seen the show ‘Zoo’?

It’s a series based off the novel of the same name by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge. It airs on CBS, and in it’s second season now. I’ve only seen the first season but that is enough to make last night seem like a sub-plot to an episode.

We were driving home, after dark, from being at our friends place. It’s a three hour drive, mostly on back highways, and I’ve always enjoyed the trip. Last night was a particularly dark one, but I also have no qualms about night driving… unless the wildlife is trying – actively trying – to kill you.

zooattack Then I start to get take issue.

I don’t drive with my high-beams on usually. I don’t find I need them. More, I hate people who drive at me, and past me, with their high-beams on. It blinds me from seeing the road far more than if neither of us had our headlights on at all. Not wanting to be that guy who blinds – I don’t turn them on.

Last night changed that.

Driving down the road doing 85 km/hr (that’s around 52.8166 miles per hour) I suddenly had two, full grown, deer standing in front of me. The were facing each other, necks almost crossed, one fully in my lane, the other half in mine, half in the oncoming traffic lane. I saw their heads turn towards me. I stared into one set of large, liquid black, eyes.

I – needless to say – slammed on the brakes, while veering into the other lane. I figured that would give the space to slow down if needed as they leapt to safety the other way. Even if I did end up hitting one of the poor things, it would just catch the back haunch, on the front corner of the van.

My gaze was still locked with the one deer, as though trying to communicate with the graceful creature of innocence, my horror at causing it any injury. I sent out the thought, to those large, soft eyes, the fact that my even having caused it fright, was a sorrow to me.

Then the bloody thing turned and started slowly across the lane I had intended to swerve into.

Due to good tires, anti-lock brakes, and my own skill, my attempt to stop and maneuver the vehicle so as to not crumble the grill into my groin and taste venison worked. After assuring myself that everything was alright and my wife’s confirmation she was fine, I proceeded down the road… with my brights on.

An hour, or so, later, as a car was approaching but before I had flicked my brights off, a large dark shape became visible in the top edge of my side window. I looked back to the road, noticed the proximity of the on coming vehicle and flicked off my brights. This made the shape be more clearly defined, by the lights of the other vehicle. Now seen in the front top corner of my windshield.

It was a giant freaking bird!

A giant freaking bird that suddenly dropped low. Low enough my lights clearly illumined the grey brown feathers. I could easily distinguish the wings of this massive owl. The large body and rounded head of what had to be a great horned owl. This thing turned and banked heading straight at my van. It looked like it wanted to smear it’s feather coated guts all across my front window. I mean I was reaching for the wiper button! At the last second, it caught the air, and rose up over the top of the van.

The good thing was, I managed to stay in my lane during this aerial assault and not smash my van into the front of the other car, crumpling the grill into my groin, and tasting long pork.

Nope, still not done.

Here I am, driving though a large town doing 55 kl/hr (that’s .. oh, look it up yourself) and I see a cat in the road ahead of me. It is on the far right of the two lanes I have to choose from. I’m not overly worried, I’m not going too fast, and the cat is just about to step up onto the curb. Just to be safe, of course, I slide into the left lane.

Yeah you know guessed it.

The moment I do this the cat suddenly, and for no reason, turns around and trots – not runs, not streaks, not hightails it, not bolts – trots. It would have been a saunter, except a saunter wouldn’t have brought it to my van in time. Once more the brakes are dutifully applied, and I glare at suicide cat. Suicide cat glares right back, his mission foiled.

That was all – well that was all that I new about. Who knows how many squirrels, just missed hitting the van as they leapt out of over head tree branches, to rain chittering destruction on me.[image error] zooturtle-attack!!!---- Or the raccoons that got smeared by the car just ahead, because the hill was slicker than they anticipated and their tobogganing torpedo of flesh arrived too soon. Or the turtle, intent on being the bump that knocked my vehicle askew, sending it over a bridge, but failing because he didn’t start the journey two hours earlier.

And this the treatment I get for adopting three rescue cats and treating them like royalty? Or maybe this is the treatment I get from my cats who believe they are royalty. Maybe they were showing their displeasure at being left un-entertained, or petted.