How About “Yes, And…” Instead of “No. Not!”

I’m relatively new at the stay-at-home dad (SAHD) business. I started as a full-time SAHD on July 1, 2015. My daughter was already three years old at the time. I joined mommy groups and was the only father at lots of play dates. I have to admit, it got to me. SAHDs are stigmatized by society. At 2014 report explained that 51% of respondents thought that kids were better off when mom stayed home. Only 8% thought the same thing about dads.

Then, I found the National At Home Dad Network (NAHDN). It changed my life to be part of a group of guys in similar situations. I felt validated, and that felt good. I was so moved by the group that I went to their 20th annual conference last month (October in Raleigh). It was another validation for the life my family has chosen and my role in it. I already know that I’m going again next year!

With all that said, I’m going to have to push back against a prevalent line of thought amongst SAHDs. We have shirts that say “When Daddy’s Doing It, It’s NOT Babysitting, It’s Parenting.” There are several voices railing against the national ‘dad cooks’ week. Scott Beson, author of The Working Dad’s Survival Guide, put it best: “Almost every dad I know is putting in the work to be a loving, hands-on, involved dad.” So come on, society, get off our case and recognize already!

I agree, dads do need more recognition. I think that Homer Simpson did more harm to society’s view of fathers than any other factor in the last 25 years. So the social discourse is about absentee fathers who, when they are at home, are too tired or too busy to be a parent, much less a partner in parenting. There are some anecdotal examples of this kind of father, sure. But it is not the majority.

My problem with the way my group is trying to educate society is that they reject the compliments when they are at the park with their kids, or when they cook a meal. I say that we should take the compliment with thanks. Say “yes, I treasure my time with my kids.” If a colleague asks if you are participating in the national ‘dad cooks’ week, answer “yes, and I often cook throughout the year too.” Instead, we are all too likely to say “why did you single me out? Why aren’t you saying that to the moms?”

Dads in general, and SAHDs in particular, are missing the opportunity to lead society gently by the hand by saying “yes, and…” Getting our backs up and our noses bent out of shape over the Homer-Simpson-esque stereotypes is only widening the discourse gap. We close the opportunity for dialog when we rant about how unfair the stereotypes are. It is unfair because just about every dad I know is putting in the work to be a loving, hands-on, involved parent. But you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And it’s more relaxing too.