The daily life of a devil’s advocate

Every time I publish a blog post, I bite my nails.

My problem is the fear that people will disagree with what I write – which is absolutely inevitable and shouldn’t be a problem at all. But it is for me. I’m scared of offending people, at the same time that I have a tendency to see the opposite side of every argument. Sometimes I even argue against issues I hold dear, just to leave no stone unturned.

I’m actually a little ashamed of my philosophical nature. It can feel like a useless trait. Countless times, people have told me not to “think too much” or not to “be over-sensitive”. But I don’t think this world needs more people who think too little, or who are insensitive.

All this has made me a pressure cooker. I always keep silent, always censor myself, and never say what’s on my mind. It may seem ridiculous to an outsider, but I once terminated a blog account because I’d offended a follower – kind of like the cyber equivalent of being swallowed by the earth.

But I can’t go on like that. I have to speak somewhere, even if what I have to say may not be popular. That’s why I’m writing it down in this blog, in longer, reasoning texts where more than one side of an issue can be explored. That way, I can at least bring order to my thoughts before I set them lose on the world.

The thing is, I’m cursed with the “on the other hand” syndrome. Astrologers may point to the considerable influence of Libra and Sagittarius in my birth chart; MBTI experts may quote my type (INTP) as the reason; maybe I’m just the result of an upbringing where I was often told to see things from someone else’s perspective. I don’t know, but the older I get, the more I question everything, including myself. Even when I don’t have an actual antagonist, I play the devil’s advocate, and for every opinion I have, there’s an internal dissident who begs to differ.

When I try to verbalize these opposing voices, it often comes out garbled and, paradoxically, one-sided. I tend to react with anger to opinions I otherwise defend, just because I have this overwhelming urge to consider both sides of the issue. If that sounds half crazy and absolutely exhausting, let me tell you it is. I live with constant cognitive dissonance. Add to this that I easily lose my train of thought when someone disagrees with me, interrupts or questions what I say. I’m so conditioned to consider opposing views that I may come off as a complete turncoat.

Still, I may have a role to play, even if I’m terrified of playing it: the questioning, weighing, critical role. I don’t particularly like that trait in myself, and yet I find myself searching for it in others. So I guess this post is my apology for any ruffled feathers – but apologizing is more or less pointless, since I’m not planning on mending my ways. What I’m really saying is, if you disagree with me on something, you may very well be right.

If indeed there is such a thing as “right”.