Barrelling around on all fours and spraying his territory like a feral cat

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm BST, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving

FIFAPOCALYPSE

Events are beginning to spiral dangerously out of control at the dystopian wasteland that was once the headquarters of Fifa, JG Ballard House. Lights flicker, windows shatter, melted foie gras streams down the walls like water. A dead dog turns on a spit. The seven presidential candidates announced today – Prince Ali bin al-Hussein of Jordan, Uefa general secretary Gianni Infantino, Liberia FA president Musa Bility, Asian Football Confederation president Sheikh Salman bin Ebrahim al-Khalifa, former diplomat Jérôme Champagne, South African businessman Tokyo Sexwale and Uefa president Michel Platini - roam the building carrying socks full of coins. They’re all prepared to administer a cotton and cupronickel shock upside the head if needs be.

Continue reading...