The Bad and The Good of My Mental Health Cycle

To Promote or Not to Promote? I’m Going to be a Fencer

The Bad and The Good of My Mental Health Cycle

crazy head So with my fall/winter cycle of ‘crazy’ ramping up I am faced with dealing with many issues. It is a stressful time just dealing with my own head and the supposition of what might come tomorrow. This is my longest cycle of three; The first happens around end of January and goes for roughly 2 months, the next is in July and lasts around 3 weeks – but it comes on fast and hard, the last is the longest – starting sometime in October and going until -luckily- just a bit before Christmas. The severity of this one can vary wildly – from long but ‘Not too noticeable’ to ‘Shit, I have to carve my own brains out to stop this!’ Not knowing which it will be doesn’t help the aggravation of dealing with it.

So among the above stated issues, the bad things about my cycle is a lack of control on my emotion. Now when I say emotion, I mean the base emotion that always throbs inside me, not the other myriad of emotions I’ve slowly taught myself to understand and get a good glimpse of how they might feel. No I’m talking about the ones that have always existed; anger, frustration, and anger. You’re right that is only one because frustration really is nothing but a mutated form of anger. When my cycle is in full swing, the irrational and illogical anger comes boiling up to the surface. The medication helps – boy howdy does it help – but it isn’t enough always to contain it during a cycle. So I am all too often in a state of clenched teeth, and have to be hyper aware of my reactions. When I’m alone at home, it isn’t too bad because my wife knows my snapping at her has nothing to do with her. When I’m out, in public… well let’s just say I often step outside to get a few slow deep breaths of fresh air.

I also have focus issues, It is hard to remember what I was doing or why. I get lost in a flood of racing frothing thoughts. My mind is bombarded with too much input, noise, ‘voices’, song snippets, images, idea’s, worries, and memories. I get tired faster and mentally worn down because of this constant torrent. When it’s bad – I need to block it all out and I simply sit down in front of the TV and watch … whatever! As long as it has moving lights and sound, it can block out the cacophony inside my skull and that is a good thing. crazy reality

There is a good thing among all this negative – my Muse can use this open current to feed me. Among the flood of other crap, I get story. There are images from the next novel, there are words in the mess that make sense, and, through the deluge, there is a world flashing by in pieces.

This is a refuge, this is an escape… literally islands I can dwell upon as the waves crash against the rocks. Although it is difficult to focus, if I can grab a bit of the written world, I can submerse myself in it, block out all other noise and matter, and find relief in the story channeling through me.

crazy-play This has begun – and not a moment too soon. It has been a long time, far too long, since I have written. I relish the idea of living in a different world right now. For all too often no matter how dark and chaotic that ‘make believe’ world is, it is still better than what my own mind is creating for me.