Depression: The Struggle None of Us Want to Talk About

I don’t like talking about it much, because I want my life to look together. I want to sound smart and my kids to obey the first time and for my marriage to be a beacon for all others who follow in my marriage’s glorious light.

I’m scared to let anyone in on the secret because then the gig would be up.

“We don’t know what to do with our own weakness but pretend it doesn’t exist…how can we welcome fully the weakness of another if we haven’t welcomed our own weakness?” -Jean Vanier

Welcoming weakness…now there’s a party pleaser.

I let Vanier’s words turn circles in my mind one morning as the covers were pulled overhead. Here was a beautiful day, sun shining, a life to be thankful for. But still, I was aware of my weakness all too bluntly; cringing at every little shortcoming splayed out like an unsurpassable ocean.

I did not want to welcome it. Hiding sounded a lot better.

We all know no one has it all together, no one has the perfect marriage, the perfect kids, perfect life (though Oprah’s life looks pretty epic).

We know none of it is perfect, so why do we pretend?

I occasionally have to remind myself, “don’t break down now, hold it together, you are in public and they are not actually asking you how you are doing, they are only being polite, so pull it together and smile!”

We want to be vulnerable in a classy way—the cool kind of vulnerable. Letting just enough truth out where we are still mysterious and interesting. If it’s all let out at once, then people run away…fast.

But still it is something we desire at our core—to be truly seen, fully accepted even when we are at our worst.

So it is a hard thing to admit, the hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself—that awful word we run from, new mothers hope to God they don’t catch, the word that taunts the susceptible in mid-life, and really, taunts anyone if it can get a chance:

Depression.

For me, it was something I didn’t want to say out loud because:

I was fearful. We are conditioned to shrink away from those on the fringes, be it the fringes of faith or psychologically and emotionally. So right when I let the cat out of the bag, I wished I could chase that damn cat down, put him into a safe, then throw the safe into the ocean.
I felt I had failed my friends and husband and my children and that was the worst, feeling like I was not the mother I wanted to be for my girls.

I remember a friend talking to me about her struggle with postpartum.

She couldn’t get over the fact that she went to bed at night in tears as her husband read stories and tucked in their babies at night.

She felt like she was failing not only the people outside of her home, but the ones closest to her heart.

She loved her babies; they were what she had always wanted.

But it is possible for wonder and beauty to be right in front of us and still be deeply sad.

It is possible to have the truth in our head but our heart just doesn’t follow. Or really, it wants to follow but has no clue how…which leads to feeling helpless and out-of-control of your own emotions and brain.

This is something I didn’t know before, something I previously judged and had a frail answer for.

I’m not an expert in the depression field, but I think facing it then finding keys and clues tucked here and there are worth telling people about…just in case they too need one of those keys. So here are a few things that helped me “embrace my weakness” as Vanier says, and move forward.

They are in no particular order, and there is no particular formula, so take whatever it is you need and leave the rest.

Know you are not alone.

When I finally had the guts to let someone in on this secret, I was amazed at how many people had faced depression. The most important thing they did for me was not give an answer, but they listened and loved me still. They helped me feel normal instead of like the loner I assumed I was.

Sad thoughts can be a habit, but habits can be changed

“One paper published by a Duke University researcher in 2006 found that more than 40 percent of the actions people performed each day weren’t actual decisions, but habits.” – The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Picture fireworks, confetti falling, and lots of glitter cannon balls (is that a thing?). This is what went off in my brain when I read Duhigg’s words; a thrill of hope, because it made me realize that I could, in fact, do something to change my thoughts.

I had created a habit of thinking poorly of myself, a habit of thinking each day would crash and burn like the last.

I went from victim to activist, out of control to a step-in-the-right-direction. I began studying habit and how to go about taking unhealthy brain patterns and change them into healthy ones. Changing your habit is an undertaking, this is not a quick fix, but it is worth the dedication.

Practice gratitude

So this one goes along with habit. I began each day with thinking through or writing down things I was thankful for—a home, this breath, a heart that is beating and healthy, my then four year old daughter and her very four-year-old jokes, the way she laughs hard at baby farts…as everyone should.

For firewood and Christmas lights and friends that help you love yourself.

For doctors and nurses that dedicate their lives to helping children.

For broken little broken hearts.

For pain. Yes, even for that. It seems backwards, or just bad, but therein lays secrets to life that are worth digging for. The gratitude of pain…yet another party pleaser.

So these were my baby steps out of some deep dark sad days.

It was hard to not imagine myself as Bob in “What About Bob,” as he took hesitant baby steps out of the elevator and onto the sidewalk while his goldfish was tied around his neck…”baby steps to the bus…”

But it really did take little steps, everyday, to change the way my brain was going.

And slowly, I felt myself coming alive again, noticing I did not wake up and want to stay in bed. I felt passionate about my work and family and friends and had the energy to start giving and loving well once again.

If you are going through this, don’t try to do it alone. Dare to be vulnerable and let others see your weakness. The embrace of it could be a way out.