APHRODITE

Aphrodite must have the best public relations firm EVAR on retainer. She gets all the credit as the goddess of love, but really, Aphrodite is Our Lady of Lust, the Goddess of Grab-ass, Queen of Coitus, Mistress of… (My daughter has asked me to stop now, I’m embarrassing her!)

As you might guess, Aphrodite is pretty much the antithesis to Athena. In fact, Make Love, Not War might easily have been her slogan…if she wasn’t responsible for one of the most infamous in history—the Trojan War. Oh, you thought Helen was responsible for that one? With the face that launched a thousand ships? Well, then, you don’t know the whole story. It all started with a wedding, and the one goddess who wasn’t invited—Eris, the goddess of discord. She lobbed a glistening golden apple into the assemblage marked “To the Fairest”. Surprise, surprise, goddesses have egos, and Hera, Athena and Aphrodite all thought it must be meant for them. They appealed to Zeus for a decision, but he wasn’t dumb enough to make it himself, and instead designated a mortal, Paris, as the judge.

Each goddess tried to stack the deck in her favor, starting the longstanding tradition of bribing judges. Hera offered power; Athena wisdom and Aphrodite offered Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world, nevermind that she was already married to someone else! So, Paris stole her away…from a Spartan king, no less (foolish, foolish man)…and set off the Trojan War. The king, by the way, was the famous Menelaus; Helen’s sister and brother-in-law were Clytemnestra and Agamemnon of Mycenae. Talk about people not to piss off! Plus, unsurprisingly, Athena took the Greek side in battle. And while Ares (one of Aphrodite’s lovers) sided with Troy, it didn’t go so well for their team.

Modern day, Aphrodite is still causing trouble, mostly in people’s marriages!

Aliases: Venus, Ishtar, Inanna