New Year's Resolutions

I don't know what chai is and I don't care,

But I won't date another girl who drinks it.

I will not date a woman with a Mac,

Who drives a Beetle, or buys scented candles.

I will not smile at other people's children,

But I will talk with other people's dogs.

I'll smell a drink before I take a sip.

I won't write emails after 10 p.m.

I'll lose ten pounds, three friends, this dead-end job;

Quit drinking every time I'm out of beer;

Stay celibate for most of every day.

I'll lose this list before the ...