There Isn’t Someone Out There For Everyone, and Yes, You Might Die Alone

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There Isn’t Someone Out There For Everyone, and Yes, You Might Die Alone

People say stuff. Stuff they’ve read in Hallmark cards, heard in movies, or from some “spiritual” aunt. It’s the sort of stuff that’s become cliche and to which, they tell me, the proper social response is a head nod and a ‘mmmmm’ sound of agreement.

One of those cliche’s is, “There’s someone out there for everyone.” It comes in a variety of forms: “God has someone out there for you.” “Everyone has a soulmate who’s especially for them,” etc. etc.

I see no reason Biblically or otherwise to think this is true (maybe you do and you can enlighten me in the comment section). And given the spiritual and moral climate in which we live, I suspect many people—especially Catholic women—if they wish to remain faithful to Christ, will have to remain alone. Until death. . . . How you feeling?

Now, by alone I don’t mean without loved ones, I mean what people usually mean when they say, “I don’t want to die alone”—without a spouse.

I read an article about the marriage crisis in China, Where The Boys Are, that said that due to a cultural preference for boys (the girls are being killed in utero) there is now such a severe gender imbalance that unmarried men will soon outnumber unmarried women by an estimated 40 million. In other words, there are many men who may wish to marry but who probably won’t be able to (at least if they remain in China).

In the United States and other western countries, I think the opposite problem is happening. Due to the fact that many men have been emasculated and juvenilized by porn, there now exists a huge imbalance such that unmarried Catholic women who are willing and ready to marry have outnumber unmarried Catholic men who are neither willing nor ready by a huge proportion.

If you’re a single Catholic woman in your 20’s, 30’s, or 40’s, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

And Yet All Are Called to Love

St. John Paul the Great wrote in his encyclical letter, Redemptor Hominis, “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it.”

Beautiful, yeah? But notice he didn’t say, “Man cannot live without a spouse.” or “Man cannot live without sexual intimacy.”

Some Advice . . . For What It’s Worth

If you’re a young adult woman terrified of dying alone, my encouragement to you would be threefold:

1. Remain faithful to Christ, even though you may be tempted to despair, or to lower your standards. Christ promised to bring you life, and life to the full (Jn 10:10). He did not say you’ll find this life when you find your “soulmate” . . . whatever that is.

There are many people who are living celibate lives who are living lives to the full. Beautiful, joyful people. I had the privilege recently of meeting the daughter of St. Gianna Molla. This is the daughter St. Gianna gave her life to save. You cannot meet Gianna (named after her mother) without realizing immediately that here is a woman in love with Jesus Christ. She radiates peace and joy even though she has never married.

2. Speak to any Catholic woman you know who is married and, if she’s honest, she’ll share with you the cross that marriage and motherhood can be. I don’t say this to minimize the cross of the single life, not at all, but marriage is freaking tough, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was discovered that married people experience the same degree of loneliness and frustration as single people. And I’m not talking about marriages that are on the rocks, I’m talking about faithful Catholic ones. I think any Catholic woman worth her salt would tell you, “it would better that you remain unmarried than that you marry a man incapacitated to love you.

3. Find yourself a good spiritual director. The Church needs you now! The Church needs your energy, your intellect, your feminine genius now. Discern with your spiritual director how you can best make use of your gifts to build up the body of Christ instead of falling into the trap of waiting until marriage before you begin to serve.

Now with all that said, let me back-pedal a little. I’m not saying you won’t end up happily married. There are many good Catholic men out there and certainly if it’s the Lord’s will, He will make a way. So this isn’t an article about why you should just give up all hope on ever being married and join the convent already! If it’s come across that way it’s to counteract the contrary view that’s said far too often (at least in my circles) without qualification.

One book I’d highly recommend is Jason Evert’s book, How to Find Your Soul Mate Without Losing Your Soul.

Here’s an awesome prayer that my sister just shared with me. If you want, pray it with me:

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,

To have a deep soul relationship with another,

To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says, “No, not until you are satisfied,

Fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,

With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me.

With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,

Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,

That I have planned for you.

You will never be united to another

Until you are united with Me.

Exclusive of anyone or anything else.

Exclusive of any other desires or longings.

I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you

The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.

I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.

Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.

Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.

Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry

Don’t look around at things others have gotten

Or that I have given them

Don’t look around at the things you think you want,

Just keep looking off and away up to Me,

Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love

Far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,

I am working even at this moment

To have both of you ready at the same time.

Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me

And the life I prepared for you,

You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me.

And this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,

I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me.

And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know that I love you utterly. I AM God.

Believe it and be satisfied