Hey, you.Yes, you.I’m speaking to the dads of the Internet…...

Hey, you.

Yes, you.

I’m speaking to the dads of the Internet… well, I mean dads on the Internet, not Al Gore.

You, dads on the Internet, are being lied to. And you’re being lied to by dads on the Internet. Not all of them, but some. And some moms, as well. What do I mean? I’m glad you asked, even though I technically just asked.

Some dads (and moms) on the Internet would have you believe that we’re all just as capable of parenting as moms in every respect. They post photos and articles that show them being all smiley and flawless with smiley and flawless kids. “Oh, what an amazing, joyous, talented little family we are. I’ve never had a sports injury, I smell like potpourri and, though they’re still in grade school, both of my kids have already been accepted to Yale.”

Bullshit.

You can’t do everything right all the time. There are some things your partner might be better at than you. Personally, I can say my wife is much more patient and efficient than me when it comes to:

Dealing with a whiny kid
Cleaning up bodily messes
Explaining a movie while we’re watching the movie
Getting the kids to sit at the table for dinner
Dealing with another whiny kid
Not sleeping

The converse of that, however, is there are some things I’m better at, such as:

Building Hot Wheels tracks
Encouraging my kids to try that “epic stunt”
Fixing whatever was broken during the epic stuntEating
Teaching them how to burp

And listen, you single dads (and moms), you’re allowed to be bad at stuff, too. Don’t let Christian conservatives or the Big Parenting Blogger Industry fool you. Despite what Pinterest would have you believe, no parent is perfect.

You know who is perfect? Superman. He’s also the most fucking boring superhero ever. Why? Because he’s perfect. He always saves the day, he has no weaknesses (has kryptonite ever really stopped him?), his hair looks all coifed and rad all the time. You invite him to a party, he brings a fucking killer bottle of wine and then doesn’t drink any.

Boring sonuvabitch! GTFO, Superman! And take your goddamn hipster glasses with you. We all know you’re Clark Kent, jackass.

So, in conclusion—they’re lying, perfection doesn’t exist for parents, stop holding yourself to an unrealistic standard, Superman is a douche-nozzle.

The end.