Dammit, Cole: The 'You Are Not Alone' Edition
Dammit, Cole:
Why I feel so broken inside? And I'm not saying that because I broke up with my boyfriend and I'm feeling depressed. Nope. It's just sometimes I'm feeling so alone, and I just think I'm not enough.
And maybe… I'm scared because every friend I had, somehow broke my heart. Why I feel so secure in the outside but inside I'm just a mess? I don't have anyone to trust… I have a lot of secrets, a lot of things I'm dealing on a daily basis and I don't have no one. No one. Also I'm feeling stupid every time I want to get close to someone, because I feel like I am a failure and I'm not good enough and shit -I'm even mad to think so low about me-, because I think I blame myself for every time a friend talked crap about me or just broke me… The thoughts of "what I did wrong?" Begin to sneak out in my mind já something stupid to do, I know. Sometimes I will start crying because I don't know how the heck I'm gonna to survive with myself, and it is just too much.
It sucks. And I think I just needed to say this… Because is always hanging heavy in my inside.
Thanks in advance,
Anonymous
Oh, sweetheart.
You are enough. If you take away nothing else from this post, take away this:
You are enough. You are amazing. You are wonderful, and even when you hurt, you're beautiful.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Most of humanity hate themselves, deep down inside. It might be just one thing they hate about themselves, it might be everything, but growing up in our constantly-critical world has told us that if we like ourselves, if we feel good about ourselves, we're doing something wrong. We can find happiness, find contentment, find confidence, but the nature of life makes it transitory. If anything goes wrong in any relationship, it's not just the complexity of human interactions and things not always going according to script; someone has to be at fault, and it's much easier to blame ourselves because blaming others involves conflict and often a lack of any satisfactory resolution or closure. So we tell ourselves it has to be our fault, that it must be somewhere we failed – especially if it happens over and over again because people and relationships are complex, and it's inevitable that not all of them will go our way.
It's something that can break us, and it's not easy to repair. It can rot us to pieces from the inside out. It can fill us up with ugly things that become somehow beautiful because they're our ugly things. And right now, in this moment, as you read this…there are millions of people distracting themselves with life and the little small details while deep down inside they're wondering:
What's wrong with me?
The answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. It's just the problem of being a self-contained universe surrounded by billions of other self-contained universes, with so many common experiences that can touch but never really completely connect. And it makes human interaction a bit of a paradox, because it's the one thing we can understand the most deeply about each other, and the one thing that makes us feel as if no one would understand. Because all we see is the outside. All we see is the act everyone puts on to survive, because they feel like prey surrounded by predators, little realizing that everyone around them feels the same way.
It's a scary thought. But it can also be reassuring, too, because it means one key thing.
You are not alone.
You are surrounded by people who are just as vulnerable and hurt as you are. Just as afraid. And in their fear, yes…some of them will hurt you. Some of them will be cruel. Some of them will be defensive, to protect themselves. That's almost always why people break your trust; to protect themselves, because they're afraid no one else will do it. No one else will put their feelings first, and so they make sure they have the control in a situation that allows them to protect themselves from hurt. And when you aren't the kind of person who can be cruel and defensive in return, it can feel like you're the universe's punching bag.
But not everyone is cruel. Not everyone is defensive. And there are people out there who, just like you, want to reach out but are scared. And something happens when you bump up against each other: there's a click. And at first it's something you don't quite trust; at first it's something you almost want to hide from, in case you make yourself vulnerable and they just reach in to crush the softest parts of you before you can do it to them. But slowly you'll start to realize you can trust them; they'll start to realize they can trust you. And maybe no other person can ease the feeling of being isolated inside our own heads in the face of billions of people who can never really see the truth inside of us…but god, can it help to just walk side by side with someone, knowing that they're feeling the exact same way. Knowing that even if we can never fully understand another human being…we can understand that.
And it's our very loneliness that makes us not alone. That makes us a collective whole, each yearning apart, all yearning together.
It's painful. It's beautiful. It's saddening. It's uplifting.
But it's part of all of us, and it's nothing wrong with you. I promise you: there's nothing wrong with you at all.
You're just…human.
In all the wonder and terror that represents.
-C
Read older entries here.
Cole McCade is that one guy you heard about somewhere. The human Grumpy Cat who writes sweet contemporary romance about starry-eyed girls and dirty erotica about the people who slip between the cracks of Crow City – including A Second Chance at Paris, Zero Day Exploit, and The Lost. He sometimes gives out decent advice from the perspective of a guy who just happens to be a romance author and a fiercely unapologetic feminist; he also invites other authors to seduce him (and his readers) with just one line from their books. Written a romance or erotica? Want to seduce Cole's readers? Send in one line here. Have a question on love, dating, relationships, romance, life in general…or just want to say Dammit, Cole? Use the submission form here.
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