Too Far Gone?

For a gentle friend who walks in the wake of tragedy, feels its weight and knows its name… and lives.

by Sarah Van Diest

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful – for He cannot deny Himself” 2 Tim.2:13.

Am I…Too far gone for love to rescue,Too expired for love to breathe into, Too lost for love to find?
Sadness drapes itself over me. It wakes me by night to remind me of its presence and holds my hand by day, hinging me to the earth, guarding me from messages of hope, and shielding me from the light of the sun. It sings a low song of sorrow and defeat, its beat drumming out my downfall and demise. It claims ownership and demands acquiescence. Its mild exterior covers its wretchedness. Its humble and meek appearance veneers its brash and grotesque reality.
I long to shake it from my shoulders and break its grip on my soul. To rid my body, mind and heart of this overlayment that steals my joy is the desire that pushes me to seek Your love… to grope for You in this darkness.
I push forward past the walls of disbelief and choose to trust Your love over my assessment of my worthlessness. I have not found my own calculations of who I am to render me enough, but I trust You. You say I am enough, and You say You love me. What arrogance is it that trusts my own computations over Yours?
It is a moment, then another, and then another. Each moment I have a choice. The truth doesn’t change, but each moment offers me the chance to believe it or refuse it. Each moment I get to decide to walk with You or to walk with lies.
Sometimes…
…that ticks me off. I don’t like that it’s a choice. I don’t like that it’s up to me. I don’t want such responsibility. I want to be idle and submit to the forces that wish to draw me downstream. It’s so much easier and I am tired of fighting against my feelings that remind me of my worthlessness. It is those times, when I float down the river of lies, that I add to my sorrow a sense of expiration. I am too far gone for love to reach me. Too far gone for love to breathe into me. Too far gone for love. Period.
And then the choice emerges again. Do I believe the lies or trust the Father?
But sometimes…
…on those deepest of sorrowful days, the choice is forgotten or muted. The call to look into my Savior’s eyes is drowned out by the waves of pain lapping in my ears. Down the river I go. Down where the current takes me, through the rough waters, over rocks and into whirlpools, over waterfalls. Down into the darkest depths. Submerged in frigid water and sinking to the bottom, my eyes close one final time.
Pulled. Pushed. Turned and pushed on again, water forced from my lungs. Breath engulfing and overtaking. Eyes obliged open and my Savior’s face fills my view. I am saved. I am rescued. The anchor of sorrow, death and pain detach as my body is lifted effortlessly by the One who searched for me and found me; who left the 99 on shore to wade into the icy waters and pull me out.
I don’t understand. I didn’t make the good choice, Lord. I didn’t choose You today. I gave up. I stopped fighting. I lost the will to keep searching for You.
His voice trembles with the overflow of His devotion, “But I chose you! You are my child! I would not let you fall away. I would not let you be lost in the cold water. You are mine, and I will never lose you.”
It is up to us to make the choice to trust Him or not, but our destiny is not in our hands alone. It is not up to us to save ourselves. We are blessed when we choose life, but we are not lost if we fail. And we will fail. If our salvation from the things that threaten to undo us is in our hands only, if always making the right choices is what it means to be saved, then what is the faithfulness of God? What is the love our Father has for us? There are times we are helpless, even faithless, and wholly overcome…
“There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:a time to be born…and die,
    …a time to heal,
    …to weep and to laugh,
    …to mourn and to dance,
    … a time to give up…. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-6 with omissions).
…but the One who made us and loves us is the One who saves.
“Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death” Ps. 68:20.
I am never…Too far gone for love to rescue,Too expired for love to breathe into, Too lost for love to find.
Sarah has worked in Christian publishing since 2005 as both and editor and an agent. 
Currently, she works with her husband, David, in their agency, the Van Diest Literary Agency. Writing is a growing passion for her as she hopes to bring hope to hurting hearts.