Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1262 would like feedback on the version posted below:


Dear EE,

Allie shouldn’t have watched the strange man sneaking around in the woods—because now, he’s watching her.

Thirteen-year-old Allie is the queen of imaginary adventures, so even her best friend, Brandon, doubts her latest story of seeing a killer dumping a body in the woods. But when Allie and Brandon explore the woods the next day, they discover a body at the bottom of a cliff. Before they can find a way down to investigate it, the body disappears.

But Allie can’t go to the police. No body means no crime. Since no one has reported a missing person in her small town—and with her history of crazy stories—no one would believe her. [How do the police know about her history of crazy stories? Does she regularly go to the police with false reports of crimes?] [Even if they do know, I doubt the police would refuse to investigate a report of a corpse in the woods. They've got something better to do in this small town?] Then Allie finds out her brother has been lying about not going into that area of the woods. 

[Allie: Was that you I saw dumping a corpse in the woods?

Brother: No.

Allie: I happen to know you're lying.]

Now Allie is determined to solve the mystery of the missing body, and hopefully prove her brother isn’t involved. [Has anyone suggested that he's involved? She saw the killer dump the body, right? She should know if it was her brother.] 

Her adventure takes a dangerous turn when Allie sees a mysterious figure in the bushes outside her window and when someone breaks into her room while she's gone. She suspects the killer saw her spying on him in the woods that night and he has hunted her down. Now Allie must figure out what happened to the body and who the killer really is—before he makes her disappear. [Why does she have to figure out what happened to the body?]

SILHOUETTE is my upper middle grade mystery complete at 34,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

She's still worried that there's a killer trying to make her disappear, and she's still telling no one. This seems pretty similar to the original version. Not that we expected you to rewrite the book, but being the queen of imaginary adventures isn't enough to keep her quiet with her life on the line. The fact that no one believed her previous five stories didn't keep her from telling a sixth, so why should it keep her from telling the truth?