The guys who are on tinder in my city all have one or more of the following: grotesque amounts of...

The guys who are on tinder in my city all have one or more of the following: 

grotesque amounts of unkempt facial hair (blargh)
the sad sad eyes of a man who is continuously rejected by women, yet has never once thought to ask himself why that could be (”I guess women only go for jerks. Where’s the nearest fedora store? *tear*”)
a picture intended to show off wealth in some way (vehicle, trip to obviously-tropical place)
let’s-show-off-my-muscles poses, nearly always accompanied by gym wear or running clothes or bikes, etc
other people in the pic so that you have no idea which one he is (meant to show off “popularity”, I assume, yet only results in confusion)
the name Éric (seriously, every second guy on there seems to be an Éric!)
guitars (my motto: never date a man who plays a guitar. It’s a personality type, seriously)
no face showing (either because it’s a picture of his dog/cat, or it’s an almost-dick pic or there just isn’t a photo at all)
children (*insert the screech of burning finger cells as I swipe as fast as humanly possible off that profile*)

It’s really interesting to me to see the pictures people choose as the one picture to present themselves to the world of the gender they’re trying to attract. It’s a very specific choice. Why would you choose a picture with a bottle of beer in hand? Or your bloody car?? Are you that proud of your Toyota Yaris? Or obviously looking for a gold digger with your whatever else? For the very few I’ve talked to, I have to separate them by their props, like, “oh, that’s beer-Éric, and that one’s motorcycle-Éric. That guy is tropical vacation-Éric and that’s Éric-who’s-too-far-away-to-see-since-his-pic-is-of-him-parasailing-but-I-like-parasailing-too-so-I-liked-his-pic. People are so weird.