Technically, It's Still Cooking with Angus

My internal monologue during tonight's dinner prep: "Okay, Chinese food night! Yay! Let's do this. I've got my wok ready - what else do I need? Thinking... thinking... okay, lemme grab the big container of pre-chopped stir-fry vegetables, which, yes, I admit is pretty lazy. But the alternative is simply ordering delivery, so I'm not going to go all Tiger-mother on myself. Slightly lazy is way better than totally lazy, right? Wait, don't answer that." "What else should I add? Hey, I've got some leftover onions and celery from the sauce I made for the short ribs yesterday. I'll cut those up so I don't feel like I'm cheating quite so much. Also, last night's dinner was completely from scratch so bonus points for me." "Hmm, how am I going to give this some flavor? Alrighty, I have Chinese Five spice, a fresh head of garlic to crush, and, ooh, what's in the jar? Hoisin sauce? I remember buying this although I can't recall why and I have no idea what it is. But it looks authentic, yes? Let's see... contains sugar, soy sauce, garlic, vinegar, chili paste. Hey, self, nice job buying mystery sauce in anticipation of your future dinner! I'm awarding myself more bonus points. This should go a long way in making Fletch forget those ill-conceived caramel apple pork chops last month." "Anyway, let's think Chinese food. You know, the one thing that bugs me about our usual Chinese joint is that every dish on the menu...