Blasphemy Of The Day: “Monster Squad” Actually Sucks

I’m going to say something here that may draw the ire of not only everyone in my generation, but countless other people as well. But, I feel it needs to be said in the interest of decency and integrity…

Monster Squad doesn’t hold up.

This film holds a special place in the hearts of those who grew up in the gilded age of ‘80s films. It’s often mentioned in the same conversations as beloved titles like Goonies and E.T. People throw out quotes from it (“Wolfman’s got nards!”) the same way they quote Back To The Future or even Star Wars. I remembered it with a heavy warm blanket of nostalgia, one of those great films from my childhood. And I thought my kids might enjoy the deft blend comedy, horror, and adventure.

Before showing it to them, I did my usual check on Common Sense Media, which is a great resource for researching movies, TV shows, and video games—much better than the individual industries’ rating systems. The description warned of things in the film I didn’t remember, things that might not be appropriate for kids. So, my wife and I screened it. I thought, “It’s a film I loved as a child. How bad could it really be?”

Guys, it’s bad.

Firstly, let’s talk about the liberal use of a particular anti-homosexual slur, plus the implication that one character is gay as a way to insult him… actually, let’s not talk about it because I just told you about it.

Next complaint: One character is called “Fat Kid” throughout the film. He corrects a bully with some flair after offing a creature in the final battle, but it’s of little consolation considering even his friends called him that for the whole movie.

Thirdly, a plot point requires the squad find a virgin to recite an incantation or something, so they seek out a girl. Um… aren’t all of these elementary school-aged boys virgins? I may have missed a line in which they said it had to be a girl—if so, please correct me—but, I don’t think I did. So, that’s totally misogynistic. But, wait. There’s more.

When the boys finally do find a virgin girl, they force her to participate by threatening to publicly show naked pictures of her that were taken without her knowledge or consent. So, that’s sexual harassment. (Another of my generation’s beloved films—Revenge of the Nerds—ends with a rape that’s considered a victory for the lead character. Consider that and then try to say there’s no such thing as “rape culture.”)

Oh, and the “cool” kid in the squad—how do you know he’s cool? Because he smokes cigarettes. I thought we were past that by the late-‘80s, but I guess not.

In addition to all of that, there are so many plot holes I wanted to take a slice of this film and put it on a ham sandwich… because of the holes… like Swiss cheese… never mind. Here are just a few of the unanswered questions and convenient plot points:

Why was the amulet hidden in a house in a small American town?
Why did Dracula keep Frankenstein’s monster locked up only to seemingly let him go and just cruise around town?
Why was the Mummy just randomly in that kid’s closet?
How did the Wolfman become the Wolfman?
And why did he happen to become the Wolfman in that town at the exact time Dracula arrived?
Why did Sean just randomly decide to rearrange the letters of the name written on the message board? Seriously, it’s not like he showed a love of puzzles or wordplay, he just decided to try it on this one name out of the fucking blue and it pays off with a major clue?
What junior high shop class has a mold for making bullets? Seriously.

And before you say something like “Your kids won’t care about plot holes,” keep in mind that I haven’t let them see Phantom Menace because it sucks. And I’ve told them that’s the reason. Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean I should show them shitty films.

Both Monster Squad co-writer Shane Black and co-writer/director Fred Dekker went on to do some cool stuff. Perhaps, like me, they didn’t know any better at the time. My younger self didn’t know about sexual assault or why that particular F-word was so offensive or why convenience is the enemy of good storytelling.

But, I do now. And that’s why my boys won’t see Monster Squad.