The Story Strand Series #1: Oh, No, Now I’m the Single Parent of Two Teenagers
Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler
Photo Credit: Free Google Images
The Story Strand Series #1: Oh, No, Now I’m the Single Parent of Two Teenagers
Welcome to the first installment in the Story Strand Series, my attempt to gain clarity and focus as I work on my next memoir and explore the many threads that are coming up for me.
The first thread is single-parenting two teenagers. My first response when broaching this topic:
Outnumbered right from the start.
In my first memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, I find my voice and inner strength and leave my abusive second husband, Dan. But the freedom and exhilaration of freeing myself and my children from the oppression of a controlling, mean-spirited man soon give way to the reality of being a single parent to two angry teens whom I hauled across the country in search of a better life and yet another new beginning. No wonder they were angry. I don’t blame them.
But I know teens are angry anyway about limits and boundaries as they test where they fit in their world. I remember being a teen and rebelling against my parents who were steady and true and provided me with a loving, stable childhood.
It’s hard enough to parent teenagers under the best of circumstances when there are two parents who are on the same page. Doing it alone can feel impossible and overwhelming.
But I was already on the horse and I had to do whatever it took to keep from falling off.
How does one single-handedly tame a bucking bronco?
Like most of us, I did the best I could at the time. Hindsight seems to bring about new clarity and wisdom that I wished I’d had at the time I was in the midst of it all, grappling with such questions as…
Am I loving them enough? Am I providing them with what they need? Am I setting the necessary limits? Am I being reasonable with the limits I do set? Am I being their role model?
…when my prevailing feeling was:
How in the world am I ever going to survive this???
I can tell you that at the time, I would have answered “no” to all of these questions with the exception of number one, am I loving them enough? Of course, I loved them, no matter what. But why did I feel so helpless and ineffective when my daughter avoided me and flashed me her icy glares or my son left for parts unknown and kept me in a constant state of anxiety about his whereabouts and welfare? It seemed I was constantly reminding myself that I was the adult and they were the children.
***
Brief excerpt from my next memoir, The Edge of Hope (working title):
I witnessed my bright-eyed, happy boy transform into a surly, gangly, pimply-faced teen whose sudden outbursts sent him punching walls and ripping phones from the wall. Angry and sullen, he defied me at every turn, staring at me with icy glares and slamming doors behind him.
I knew both Brian and his sister Leigh Ann missed their dad. It came in unexpected moments, like the day I found Brian in my bedroom, during the year before we moved from Missouri.
The sheer curtain gently rippled through the air as Brian leaned forward in the corner chair in my bedroom. With his elbows on his knees, he stared out the window as I rushed into the room to get my contacts. A quick glance reminded me that his twelve-year old body was changing before my eyes. He looked preoccupied.
“Hi B. What’s going on?” I asked.
“Oh nothing,” he said, pausing a moment, while keeping his head down.” I was just thinking about Clint.”
“What about Clint?”
“Clint’s dad takes him fishing,” he said, as he lowered his head into his hands and began sobbing. Wet tears streamed down his blotched face as he gasped in between sobs.
“I wish my dad could take me fishing.”
His deep, bellowing sobs tore at me like a hungry lion tears into his prey. Weak-kneed, I knelt in front of him feeling helpless. I was speechless. His dad was 1000 miles away, physically but the stark reality was that he was very much on Brian’s mind. Divorce was not a clear-cut solution even if it was the only solution. The guilt always seemed to linger like an unwanted guest at times like these. I realized no matter how far away we were, Ed would always be their dad and they would always long for him. No one else could fill the deep longing in their hearts.
***
In this article, “Help for Single Parents of Teens,’ author Mark Gregson offers up some practical tips for helping single parents:
“In almost every case, a single parent is walking down a road they didn’t plan to be on. They started with two parents, but something happened—death, divorce, abandonment—and now they are struggling to fill two roles that their children desperately need. They are trying to do an already difficult task without all of the resources they need.”
Tips:
1. Set rules and boundaries and establish consequences.
2. Don’t be too lenient
3. Make a point of spending one on one time with your teen
4. Develop a support system that works for you.
5. Figure out a way to deal with the tug of war when your ex-spouse disagrees with your parenting style.
6. Don’t ever give up hope.
***
These tips certainly make sense and we do the best we can to fulfill our role as mother and father. My hat goes out to all single parents who face the monumental task of bringing children up alone.
For me, it was a mixture of joy and heartache. The joy was having my children with me and experiencing the freedom to parent them as I saw fit without having to negotiate my way around another person’s parenting style. The heartache was having my children with me all the time without a break and having little time for taking care of my own needs. The year my children gave me a Father’s Day card, I realized how ineffective I felt. I knew how to be a mother. I didn’t want to be a father, too. Having had a wonderful father, I knew what my children were missing and I grieved for the absence of a steady, strong presence of a loving father in their lives. Their father loved them but he couldn’t deliver when it came to being there for them like they needed him.
How I end up facing it and working through it will be woven into my memoir…TBA.
How about you? If you’ve been or are a single parent, what has the experience been like for you? How have or do you cope? What’s the best thing about it? The worst thing? If you know single parents, how do you help them?
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave your comments below~
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Congratulations to Carol Graham for winning CeeCee James’ memoir, Ghost No More and to Lucinda Clarke for winning CeeCee’s debut novel, Wrecked and More!
This Week:
Monday, 09/28/15:
The September 2015 Newsletter: “Golden New Beginnings” (subscribe in the right side bar. if you are interested in receiving the monthly newsletter. I’d love to have you!)
Next Week:
Monday 10/04/15:
“A Faith Greater Than Fear: A Memoir of Triumph by Carol Graham.”
Carol is the author of Battered Hope and the host of the radio show “Never , Ever Give Up Hope”. She will give away a copy of her memoir to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.
