Giving Your Kid The Cold Shoulder

I've got two daughters, 11 and 16. They are incredible in so many ways, but the sixteen-year old, Riley, is cocooning. So, she's changing, going from caterpillar to butterfly, and it ain't always pretty. I was just watching this video a few days ago, and fact number three ("Teens are wired to be more self-centered") struck a chord. Riley really is self-centered right now, and I don't mean that in the way that she's a selfish brat. I mean it in the way that it's hard for her to step outside of herself and see the world from another's perspective, especially if that someone is part of her immediate family. So, it was a nice reminder that this is normal, and it won't last forever.

But, my beef is in the fact that she can be incredibly disrespectful to family members. She'll respond to a question I pose by walking away, no eye-contact, while she sort of mumbles a response under her breath. Just the other day, her little sister, Grace, knocked on her door, and Riley, stuck her head out the cracked door and firmly responded, "What?!" This is not the way we have raised our daughters.

I love Riley to death, but she's become so rude. She treats me, as well as her sister, with disrespect. If she weren't my daughter I wouldn't waste any energy on her. If someone was consistently rude to me, and treated her or her sister the way she treats Grace, I would move on...but I know who she is beneath that teen exterior. I know who she was and her she is at her core. 

She may be self-centered because of the make up of her brain, but she doesn't have to be disrespectful. So, I decided to let her see what it's like when you are mean to people; I didn't punish or ground her. Instead, I decided to treat her the way I would were she not my daughter...for a week. I sat her down and explained that I didn't like the disrespect she'd been exhibiting, and told her in no uncertain terms that I'd be giving her the cold shoulder for the next seven days.

It's been hard. I haven't gone out of my way to make small talk. I will talk with her when she initiates it, and I am not rude or cold. When she asks for a ride, though, I don't give it unless it's convenient for me. And, I have seen a change in her. My gut told me to drop the whole cold-shoulder act sooner than a week because my girl is back, but I have decided to hold on until the seven days are up. 

I want Riley to see that her actions and lack of respect can lose her opportunities and that she can't just kiss up for a day to get what she wants. My hope is that after a week of respect, it will remind her of who she used to be, and maybe become a bit more habitual.

Do you think this is a good idea? Am I being too tough? 



image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/Jusben