Feedback Request

The query for Keeper of the Woods, most recently seen here, would like feedback on the revision below.


Ana is a monster. She doesn’t have claws, fangs, or even a tail-and that’s the problem. One by one everyone else around her has changed and taken on physical traits of an animal just like they’re supposed to.

Abandoned and feared, Ana has raised herself in the woods for eight years until, one day, a fire breaks out. In the blaze she finds and rescues a coyote-girl named Arella, as well as her dog-brother Rae. The siblings seem kind, and even offer to take a skeptical Ana to someone who might be able to fix her. Ana reluctantly agrees to travel with them, and even stays after she discovers they are wanted criminals. After all, she has nowhere to go and already knows she can’t trust anyone-but if there’s a chance that she can end her nightmare, she’ll take it.

They’ll have to rely on each other as they journey, but the closer they come to their destination, the closer they become to each other. [That makes no more sense than it did last time. You're saying: They'll have to rely on each other, but how can they when they've become close? It's like saying Dorothy needs to rely on the Scarecrow, but she can't because they've bonded. It's like saying when you need someone to rely on it's better to go with a stranger than with your best friend.] In the end, Ana can’t hide from the world anymore and will have to decide who to trust. Keeper of the Woods is a 56,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

You're not giving us enough specific information about the plot. You have a paragraph telling us who your main character is, a paragraph telling us what her situation is, and a vague paragraph that tells us nothing. If you apply the same format to The Wizard of Oz it will sound like this:

Dorothy is an average girl living on a farm in Kansas. She has a loving family and a cute dog named Toto. Sometimes she stops what she's doing and breaks into song.

One day a tornado threatens the farm. Dorothy is knocked unconscious while trying to find Toto, and when she wakes she's in a wondrous colorful land populated by little people called Munchkins. The Munchkins and a kind witch tell Dorothy about a wizard in the Emerald City who might be able to help her return to Kansas. She has no better idea, and if there’s a chance she can get back home, she’ll take it.

Along the way Dorothy meets interesting characters and encounters some dangers. In the end, she will learn a valuable life lesson. The Wizard of Oz is a 56,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

I look forward to hearing from you.


Note that my query leaves out all the good stuff. Now, if I condense it into one paragraph:

After 12-year-old Dorothy Gale is knocked unconscious during a tornado on her Kansas farm, she wakes in a wondrous land called Oz. She longs to return to her family, but it seems the only one who might help her is a wizard who lives in the Emerald City. So off she goes, accompanied by her dog Toto, to see the wizard.

. . . I'll have plenty of room to talk about the friends Dorothy makes along the way, and especially about the villain, the wicked witch who's trying to stop them. And then to wrap it up with what Dorothy might learn if she somehow survives.