Dammit, Cole: The 'Slow Your Roll' Edition

Dammit,Cole!

It turns out I'm a bit of a flirt. You're not surprised by this, right? I attribute it to general friendliness and years of bartending. It's all harmless and in good fun until someone thinks I'm serious. So Cole. How much is too much? And when should I dial it back?

Thanks!

A

Oh, lawd. We about to step into this minefield. I kind of wish I had an infographic for this, because to really answer this I'm going to have to drag you through a Choose Your Own Adventure hell of "If yes, then no" questions. Let's get the easy ones out of the way first.

Are you single? Is the person you're flirting with single?

If yes to both, then too much is where you decide it is, and you only have to dial back when you or the other person has had enough and it's not fun anymore. If it's harmless, then it's harmless. You get to draw the boundaries of how much is too much or too little, as long as you respect the other person's boundaries as well. Make sure the other person isn't giving back mixed signals that seem serious, and then do as you please. If you or they aren't single, though…

Are you in an open and/or polyamorous relationship? Are they?

If the answer to this is 'yes,' (unequivocally–both partners informed, not 's/he thinks we're committed but I'm open,' as that's cheating) then, well…we're done here. Make sure your partner is informed (or not, some people have a 'don't ask, don't tell' clause) according to the agreements you set out about your relationship, and flirt on your merry way. Reiterate what I said about your boundaries and theirs, and you're good to go. And if you're single but the person you're flirting with is in an open or polyamorous relationship, make sure you're comfortable with that, ask the questions you need to ask about people being informed, and then have fun with it.

If the answer is no, well…then this just got more sticky. So ask yourself…

Would you do this in front of your partner? How would they feel if you did? How would you feel if they did what you were doing?

People have this idea that monogamous relationships are founded solely on jealousy and principles of ownership. In some cases, that's true. But not in all cases. Two monogamous adults can be in a committed relationship in which neither is particularly interested in being with anyone other than their partner, because they're just wired for monogamy the way some people are wired for polyamory–and they're mature and secure enough in their relationship not to feel threatened by harmless flirting. It might even be entertaining to see someone flirting with their partner. If there's trust, they have no reason to have a problem with it as long as it doesn't cross agreed-upon boundaries about fidelity; you'll know how far is too far, because you and your partner have already discussed it. Are you in a relationship like that? Yes?

…no, seriously, are you?

Are you sure?

If so, then great. Flirt, and snuggle on your partner after while you tell them about it, share an indulgent smile, and enjoy the fact that you've still got it. See, we're going with some positive, mature, well-adjusted outcomes here. Fun, right?

Until we get to the 'no' answer.

If this is something you wouldn't do in front of your partner, something you feel the need to hide from them, then you already know you're doing something naff, and you already know exactly how much is too much and when you should be dialing it back. You don't need me to tell you that. It might make them feel hurt that you're turning to someone else for affection and attention, rather than them; they may feel shut out from any form of physical and emotional intimacy, while you're giving those things to someone else. If you know it would make them unhappy and you're doing it anyway, that's a mess you should not be creating. If you want them to be okay with you doing it but you wouldn't be okay with them doing it, that's doubly unfair. And you really need to think about…

Why are you doing it?

Again, let's get the most positive answer out of the way first: it's just a little idle fun, and you don't even really think anything of it. It's as entertaining as watching Comedy Central, and that's all the emotional investment you have in it. If that's the case, then there shouldn't be anything wrong with your partner knowing about it; if that's just the way you are, then they should know that about you already, and know that it's not a sign that you're unhappy with them. You're just being carefree and fun, and you know your own limits for what you're comfortable with. Trust yourself there, and you'll know when to stop.

Or let's just say it's an ingrained habit from flirting for tips after years of bartending, and…well…it is what it is. It's like a reflex. Muscle memory you never really forget.

But there are other alternatives as to why, and looking at those gets a bit weightier. Are you doing it to fill an emotional or physical void in your relationship? Then you need to either talk to your partner, or break up with them–because filling that void with someone else, especially behind your partner's back, is cruel and unfair. Communication is key to any relationship, and if someone really cares for you then they'll want to know if there's something unfulfilled in your relationship. It may be something they can give you; something they'd be happy to give you. Or it may be a fundamental incompatibility, and if so, then you need to stop dragging things out by compensating behind their back and accept that the relationship just isn't what you need. Or, well, let's scroll back up to the poly discussion. It may be that your needs can only be met by multiple partners, but if that's the case, your current partner needs to know that and needs to consent to it, and you need to have a long, informed discussion about how that would work and why. Though I don't want to misrepresent poly as basically playing Tetris with varying partners to fulfill diverse emotional needs while shrugging the others off like a mood until you want them again; that's really more using people, while healthy poly is more about simply having the capacity for multiple deep emotional bonds–but that's a discussion for another day, and another post. Just know that if you're thinking of being poly because your current partner isn't fulfilling your needs and you're getting something out of flirting, you're probably looking into it for the wrong reasons.

Speaking of reasons…let's look at another potential reason for flirting. Does it validate you? Is it something that makes you feel better about yourself, reinforcing your attractiveness to whatever sex you happen to be focusing your attentions on? That's not so bad, now and then. We all like those gratifying, flattering little reminders that we're hot, and not just to a person who loves us enough to see us through rose-colored glasses. But if it's constant, if you're always trying to fill this black hole of doubt and insecurity inside you with any attention you can get, if your only way of interacting with others is to flirt with them or draw sexual attention to yourself, then that's a problem. One that's hurting both you and your partner, and you need to ask yourself what's driving it. What's making you feel like you aren't enough, when you should be. You don't need someone else to remind you how amazing you are, and if the only way you can feel good about yourself is to pander for romantic and sexual attention from as many people as possible, you're going to end up hurting yourself and other people very badly. Learn to love yourself, instead of feeding on other people loving you. Because this is a path you don't want to go down. At all.

How does the other person or persons feel about it?

So far we've talked about the flirter and their partner, but there's always another person or persons in the equation: the flirtee. And yes, you do have to take their feelings into consideration about this, especially if it's more than a one-off thing with a stranger and this is someone you're dealing with on a regular basis.

If the flirtee knows it's casual, meaningless, harmless…good. You're avoiding one mess, but you may be creating another–because even if they know it's harmless, that doesn't mean it doesn't make them uncomfortable. Especially in a friendship or in the workplace; some people just don't want that in their communications with friends or coworkers, and if they make it clear they're uncomfortable, stop before you end up with a sexual harassment lawsuit. I know I've had situations with friends who constantly, aggressively, and lewdly flirted with me or pushed for sexual details about me; I felt obligated to flirt back and cater to them so as not to be the rude arsehole ruining the fun, but inwardly I was recoiling, wanting to be anywhere else but in that conversation, and wondering if telling them to stop was worth the risk of potentially losing a friend if they took it badly. It doesn't matter your gender or theirs; a constant stream of unwanted sexual attention, no matter how playful, can make someone feel outright gross, and will make them do anything they can to avoid you. Don't be that person. Respect others' boundaries. And respect workplace boundaries; even in a casual work environment, there's a level of what is or isn't appropriate regardless of what may or may not be welcomed. People are there to work. Sometimes a little light flirting can relieve the tension as long as everyone's okay with it and HR isn't standing there waiting to rap your knuckles with a ruler, but it shouldn't be the sole basis of your work interactions. And, when in doubt, save it for after-work cocktails or your lunch break, not the office.

On the flip side, there's also the problem of the flirtee not knowing it's casual and meaningless. And that's when it's not harmless, and very much not good. That's when you're setting yourself up for a clusterfuck of epic proportions. This person may think you're looking for an affair…and you might fall down the slippery slope into one, because you'll keep letting things go farther by inches (no pun intended) and next thing you know, you're excusing a level of intimacy you never would have allowed when this first started. You may find yourself doing things that would deeply hurt your partner; things you feel you have to hide from them. You can also end up hurting the person you're flirting with quite a bit, though they're just as culpable–assuming they know you're already involved. If they don't, and you keep pushing the boundaries of intimacy with them…no. Nope. I can't even. I think you know what I'll say there. And if they're involved and sneaking around as well? Get off my lawn. Both of you.

But you also may find yourself in a dangerous situation with someone who takes your flirtations as advances, and won't take no for an answer. Let me make one thing clear: if someone takes a coy giggle as consent, that is not your fault. Let's get the victim-blaming off the table right the fuck now, because if you end up in this situation it would be because some douchebag has no self-control and no understanding of boundaries, not because of anything you did. It doesn't matter if you blurred those boundaries, because the second things go too far you have every right to clear them right back up again and have that respected. But. Knowing the ideological rightness of that doesn't change that this situation could go south very, very fast, because people suck. The ideal is that you should be able to walk naked in front of someone and then say "sorry, I'm married" and they just shrug, smile, and keep their hands to themselves. The reality is that there are some sick fuckers out there, and while it should never be your responsibility to bear the burden of prevention, you can still trust your intuition. If you're flirting, having fun, and start to get a weird feeling from someone…back away. Likely you won't want to keep flirting with them anyway if they make you feel weird, so I doubt it'd be a problem; the only problem will be making sure they know, in no uncertain terms, that it's time to stop–and then extricating yourself from that situation.

So what's the verdict?

There isn't one. It really boils down to if your partner(s) happen to be okay with it, why you're doing it, where it's going, and what lines are drawn that make you and everyone else involved comfortable. Human interaction is a complex thing defined by a number of factors, and sex and sexual availability are only a small part of that. Where you fall in these scenarios and the outcomes depends on self-analysis, honesty in your relationships, and what's really going on each time you glance at someone from under your lashes and feel that little rush when they eye you up and down. Technically as people we should be mature enough to handle that without making a mess, and should be mature enough to know when it's not the time or place for it.

But most of us aren't, to be perfectly honest.

So step back. Slow your roll. Take a good hard look at yourself, and ask yourself why. Why you flirt. What you've told your partner and how they feel about it, if you have one. Why you're doubting yourself enough to write to me, and what's fueling those doubts.

I don't have real answers for you.

I just have a lot of questions that only you can answer for yourself.