"Mr. Brown! That is extremely rude."

 Wherein Jack encountered wildlife.

 And is also waiting for emails...still...................
 I've grown up around wildlife. Mostly deer. And bunnies. Some hawks. And dive bombing birds. 
 A bear walked into town once and had the police all excited because they got to get him and take him back to the mountains, but I didn't get to see him.
 My dad had a moose walk into his work place once. Again, no one invited me along, not even the moose.
 And once while camping my cousins had a bear walk through camp.
 Another time my brothers and cousins and I were camping and the forest rangers came by to warn us there was a mad mountain lion on the loose and we should be careful.  We didn't see him. We might have been trying to....
 Overall, though I've lived near wildlife I've never run into any. Not anything exciting. I didn't even see the badger my dad and brothers chased into his hole.
 So when I moved and heard stories of bears wandering the town I got excited. They even visited everyone's trashcan.
 Everyone but mine. I could follow their path of midnight trashcan dinner on my way to work the next morning. Follow all the tipped over cans. But they never found mine.
 I felt left out.
 Until I heard something outside my door the other night. In my trashcan.
 Excited I got out of bed and peered out the window. I expected to see a monstrous brown bear munching my melon rinds.
 Instead I saw a monstrous raccoon.
 I was told they get big here, just like the coyotes which are huge because they decided it would be great fun to breed with the wolves. I'm not judging them, for all I know it might be loads of fun to be half coyote and half wolf. Probably something like being Scots Irish.
 Back to the raccoon though.
 I couldn't believe he was a raccoon at first. He was half the size of Dog, and Dog is not a tiny dog. She is medium sized.
 When I realized what it was munching my melon rinds I decided I didn't want him around. Bear, sure. Giant raccoon from the depths of a black hole. Nope.
 I was going to chase him off but someone had told me stories of raccoons which attacked and made weird sounds and did who knows what else.
 So brave me, I turned on my porch light.
 He didn't care. I wouldn't either if I was that big.
 I considered going after him with one of my swords. I keep one by the door. I would have gotten it sooner but it was one in the morning and I didn't feel like leaving the Flat to engage in a fencing match with a giant raccoon while I was dressed in my pajamas.
 So I did the light again and it must have worked because he left.
 The next night, last night, made up for my bear disappointment.
 I went over to my friend's for a birthday party, and while there someone said there was a bear in the trash. I ran with the little girls to the window and watched them as they prowled the trash. They were adorable little things, two cubs, fluffy and cuddly looking.
 One hung out mostly in the tree while the other broke one of the cans.
 And we owed and awed over them while their mummy watched over her babies from the roof.
 We kept waiting for her to come through the roof and land in the living room.
 We also named the good bear, the one who didn't break the trashcan, Paddington. And if they had had marmalade in the house I would have taken it out to him.
 And that is my story. Or stories.
 Quote is from Paddington, the new movie. Because I couldn't help it.
 P.S. Still trying to get the bloopers from the Brothers-in-Arms book trailer fixed