Finally A Movie The Whole Family Can Enjoy!

I sometimes miss the big movie, the blockbuster, the one everyone’s talking about. Long now have I lived without tv, which means long now have I lived without previews.

I remember Forrest Gump. It was huge. I saw previews everywhere. Everybody was talking about it. Everybody loved it. This was long ago in the distant past. Bill Clinton, the substitute teacher of presidents, was in the white house, getting intern hummers. It was a liberal time, but not psychotically so.

I resisted Forrest Gump. If everybody’s doing it, why should I? If there’s anything I’ve learned about myself over the years, it’s that I’m oppositional and contrarian. This is why I manage to annoy both liberals and conservatives in my political writings (rantings, truth be told). The black or white people just can’t handle my fifty shades of gray, boyyyy.

Due to enormous societal and peer pressure, I finally broke down and rented it. Back in those days, you actually had to climb into your horse and buggy and clip clop clip clop down to the video rental place. Once there, you borrowed for a small amount of money this little round thingy call a DVD, which stands for “Dude, very dated!”

I fucking loved Forrest Gump. For once the great unwashed masses were right. Holy shit.

These days, I have no idea what’s in theaters. A while back an acquaintance asked me if I was going to see Fast & Furious 7.

“7?” I said. “They’re up to 7? How in God’s name?”

Also, minions. I see minions everywhere: on cakes and t-shirts and the internet, in eventually to be regretted foot and ankle tattoos.

I don’t even know the movie they spawned from, but they are cute. Yellow and cute and various eyed.

I want some minions of my own. I’ve always thought I was minion-having material. How come I don’t have any minions, America? What the fuck?

They would do my bidding, which would be evil, and we would live on a compound, because only evil people live on compounds: meth chemists, cult members, gun nuts, etc. And whenever they left to do my evil bidding, I would rub my hands together and laugh maniacally.

Man, I miss the movies…