My Biggest Vulnerability - and I'm Sharing it With Social Media

This is, by far, the hardest post I have ever written for my blog.  I’m about to share my most vulnerable side and it scares me.  So why do it?  Because I have to stay true to myself.  From the beginning, I have stated time and time again that I use my blog to make people laugh, introduce new authors and artists but most important, to make people understand that they are not alone.

Two years ago, I wrote a post about living with your parents as an adult.  I can’t even tell you the number of people who visit that post every month and that makes me smile.  That’s why people use the internet.  For validation.  For comfort.  For company.  For courage.  And if I have to share my story to help others feel they are not alone, then so be it.  I’m not trying to a martyr or attention.  I’m just trying to live my life to the best of my ability and trying to turn the negatives in my life to positives.  So…here we go.

I weigh 272 pounds.  Yep – I said it.  (Holy shit I’m having trouble breathing.)  I would rather share my debit card PIN number than my weight, but there it is.  For those of you who didn’t know me back in high school or college, here’s a little background story:

I hated academics but loved softball and dance.  I weighed 130 when I graduated high school and 112 when I graduated college.  I’m 5’9 and didn’t have any trouble finding dates because hell – I’m tall, was skinny and wore size 4 or 6 fashionable/trendy/sexy clothes.  I was rocking my body.

I got married and as most of us do, gained the “happy marriage” weight.  You know, the weight you gain because you’re not trying to impress anyone anymore.  My ex-husband and I actually gained a little too much happy weight so we both went on a diet, monitored by my doctor; and we both lost 30 pounds.  I bought a while new wardrobe in a size 10.  Aaaaaannndddd then I got pregnant two months later.  Oops.

I took full advantage of the whole eating for two concept.  At my highest, I weighed around 250.  When Madelyne was born and didn’t weigh 50 pounds, it was shocking….

Well, through the combination of hospilizations for the c-section, subsequent infection, taking care of a newborn so eating/showering/sleeping/life is impossible and a crumbling marriage, my weight bounced back to right where it was before I got pregnant…and that’s when the trouble started.

I had severe postpartum depression.  I’m talking severe-psych-ward-seven-different-medications postpartum depression.  I was on 6 different SSRI meds.  And just to clarify for those who don’t know what SSRI meds are, they are used for anxiety and/or depression – and cause weight gain, slow metabolism, etc.  A lot of people (including myself) literally have to choose between being overweight and sane or skinny and insane (i.e. depression, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts).  To some of you the choice sounds easy.  To someone like me who lost a good friend because he chose the latter, it’s not.

So within 6 months of taking these meds, I gained 25 pounds.  I stayed on that drug regime for two long years gaining more weight.  Now I admit, there were times I did not make the best food choices, however, my problem has never been overeating.  My problem is replacing my beloved popcorn with healthier choices.  Anyway, over time, my doctor and I were able to wean me from 3 out of the 6 SSRI medications.  That still left 3.  At this point, my weight hit a plateau.  I wasn’t gaining, but I wasn’t losing.

Fast forward to 2014.  What started out as a decent year ended up in a pit of stress.  Without getting into details, by the end of the year my meds looked like this:

-200 mg of Zoloft

-60 mg of Cymbalta

-30 mg of Restirol

-.5 mg of Xanax (sometimes twice a day)

-Imitrex for migraines

Oh and the Endometrial Ablation I had in July 2014 that was supposed to help with girlie problems (I’ll spare you guys that are reading this) – yeah, by the end of 2014, it was like I never had the procedure. 

Now, let’s stop here for a moment.  I know that a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes thinking I’m full of excuses.  I need to shut up, get on a diet plan and exercise, right?  There’s just one itty bitty problem with that – I was on a diet and exercising 5 times a week.  Guess how much weight I lost during the 6 months I was diligently drinking protein shakes and sweating for at least 30 minutes almost every morning?  8 pounds.  Yep – you read that right.  8 measly pounds.  8. 

As you can imagine, at the end of six months, I was frustrated enough to say, “screw it” and plow my way through a million Reses’ Peanut Butter Easter Eggs.  That didn’t help the weight process much – but they were damn good!

So, here I am today at 272 pounds.  I knew I had to see my OBGYN again because the ablation didn’t work.  But thanks to Obamacare (I’m not debating politics, just pointing out that insurance sucks) I had to see a new OBGYN because my old one didn’t take my new insurance.  I had blood work and an ultrasound.  I wasn’t surprised with the ultrasound results – fibroid tumors, which meant a hysterectomy – but I was surprised with the blood work.  Some of my levels were WAY off.  MY OBGYN scheduled me for a biopsy (this Thursday) but before I came back for the appointment, she wanted me to see my primary care physician.   

I have avoided my primary care physician for 2 years because she holds me accountable for my weight gain, which is good for me.  Simple fact is that I was too embarrassed to see her and I finally had to put my pride aside.  Needless to say, she was not happy with the weight gain and was also shocked at the abnormal blood work results.  So, we made a plan.  For the next 7 days, I was to eat 1200-1400 calories, no junk food, portion control and exercise for at least 30 minutes every day.  We scheduled a follow-up for exactly a week later.

I went from my doctor’s appointment to the fruit market.  Loaded up on fruit, veggies, and Skinny Pop Popcorn because I had to have SOME popcorn (but it’s only 35 calories a serving!)  I tracked my daily food intake and exercise on an app.  I took walks with Madelyne almost every night and practiced Yoga the other days.  I went back to my doctor a week later with my food and exercise log in hand.  Guess how much I lost?  Seriously…I’ll give you a minute………………………………..

Ready?  1 pound.  1200 calories a day, 30 minutes of exercise a day for 7 seven days and I lost 1 pound.  My doctor said that was impossible.  I said, “welcome to my world” because I had been dealing with this for almost 2 years.  I physically can’t lose weight and despite my best efforts, when I step on that scale, I feel like a failure every time and break down in tears.  I’m actually crying right now as I’m typing this.

So then, why AM I typing this?  I don’t want pity but I am sick of judgment.  I’m not trying to make excuses for my weight gain and then scarf down a bag of Doritoes and say poor me.  I physically can not lose weight and until that happens to you, I don’t feel you have a right to judge me at all.  In fact, no one has a right to judge anybody because no one truly knows the struggles a person faces.

I subscribe to many blogs and a current theme is weight; and I see both sides.  Some women are naturally thin and people ask them all the time how they lost weight. These women are sick of hearing that question because again – we don’t know their personal struggles. 

I used to have a gym membership.  I saw women and men sweating like beasts on the treadmill or elliptical.  I remember thinking, “settle down there, champ.  Stop showing off.”  What a bitchy thought.  Maybe that person used to be overweight and is working his or her ass off to maintain the weight.  Maybe that person is training for a 5k or marathon.  Maybe that person is working out aggression at the gym and the punching bag is a replica of an ex/boss/friend.  Again, we don’t know their personal struggles.

And then there are people like me: overweight and now shopping at Lane Bryant instead of The Limited.  Feeling judged by others when in fact, our biggest judge is ourselves.  Feeling unhappy even though there are legitimate medical reasons why we are overweight. 

Thankfully, I have awesome doctors who are all working together to help me.  In the upcoming weeks, I have a biopsy that will hopefully come back as benign, a hysterectomy (scheduled for November), weaning off one more SSRI and weekly appointments with my primary care physician as we start experimenting with thyroid medications because as my blood results show, my thyroid is basically useless right now.  My thyroid levels are low, hemoglobin levels are low, vitamin D levels are low, and a bunch of other low numbers that are all contributing toward a useless thyroid and a stalled metabolism.  As of right now, I have to be on a strict diet and exercise program just to maintain my weight.  My doctor told me not to expect a significant loss of weight until we find the right combination of meds.   

What’s the point of this post?  Some of it is selfish, I admit.  I don’t want to feel embarrassed anymore if I run into someone that I haven’t seen in a while.  But more importantly, the judging needs to stop.  It’s time to see past the outside of someone. 

I have an awesome sense of humor.  I am a damn good mother.  I love meeting for coffee and just chatting about life.  I love to travel.  I am extremely loyal to my family and friends.  I’m as honest as they come.  I’m here if you need to talk or hug you if you need to cry.  And if you don’t want to talk to me, be my friend, date me, or get to know me because you can’t see past my weight, that’s okay.  You won’t hurt my feelings anymore.

Do you remember that woman with the awesome 6-pack and three kids and posted a picture with the #whatsyourexcuse?  I’m going to change that:

#whatsyourreason:  thyroid, fibroid tumors, abnormal blood work

Share and ask others: #whatsyourreason

Let’s stop judgment and start acceptance.