At the library yesterday and the place was full of Mormons.

They’re all wearing white button down shirts and black pants. They have nametags on that say they’re “Elder”, as in “Elder” Cody and “Elder” Kyle. They are all 19. Elder to what? Their little sisters back in Utah? All of their little sisters back in Utah are named Brittany/Courtney/Ashley, by the way.

My question is: why are they all here in the library with the homeless people? Have they nowhere else to go? That’s why everyone else is here. Shouldn’t they be out knocking on doors, selling their sad schpeel of total fucking bullshit?

All I can think is, What a buncha shitty ass salesmen.

I used to sell vacuum cleaners door-to-door and you sure as shit wouldn’t catch us killing time in a library with a bunch of homeless people. The library is for people who have given up, who insist it ain’t their fault. It’s for losers waiting around for the government to swoop in and save them from themselves.

These fuckers need to get out there. Refuse to take no for an answer. Tell people, “No, really you have to wear special underwear and believe we’re all gods.”

When I was selling vacuum cleaners, I got a lot of initial No’s. But once I started vacuuming and showed them how filthy their life really was, they were all, “Damn, I had no idea.” One out of every ten BOOM a $1500 sale, $150 of which was mine.

We had financing plans. Do the Mormons have those? I think the sheikh or pope or sky-god or whatever they call their CEO should definitely think about a financing plan. Pay as you go.

A little here, a little there, then one day: HEAVEN!