There Doesn’t Need To Be An App For That

A Decade of Giving Circle Concert Review: Brandi Carlile

There Doesn’t Need To Be An App For That

I got a press release the other day for a new app that was touted as reliable and easy-to-use, ready to help stressed pregnant women all around the world. It is a Contraction Timer, designed to help women in labor measure the intervals between contractions.

I’m trying to think of something that would have made me more stressed when I was in active labor than messing around with an iPhone in those precious moments of relief between labor pains of such intensity that they rendered me cross-eyed and limp-legged.

Wait, I just thought of the thing that would have made me more stressed: my husband messing around with an iPhone in those precious moments. If my husband thought me bellowing, “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME BREATHE! DIDN’T YOU PAY ANY ATTENTION IN LAMAZE CLASS? AAAAARGGGGGH” with Daughter #2 was bad, the oratorical heights to which I would have been inspired by the sight of him focusing on his smart phone instead of the mother of his soon-to-be child would have really blown his hair backward.

As I learned back in ’98 and again in ’00, a really good trio of tools for keeping track of those intervals is a pencil, a pad of paper, and a wristwatch. It’s very vintage and locavore, but then I’ve always been retro.

I know our little pocket computers are exciting and engaging, but there are some things that just don’t belong on our smartphones. Beyond the Contraction Timer, here are a few of my (least) favorites:

iHairClipper. “This App imitates a hair clipper. Operate this App and trick him who came with new hair.” I really can’t add anything to that official description, except to say to him who came with new hair, you’re going to leave with the same hair.

Cheating or Not? Anyone who trolled through the Ashley Madison database to see if their beloved had an account (I’m talking to you, Duggar wives): you could have saved considerable time with this handy app. Just place your lover’s thumb on the Cheating Scanner and it will tell you whether you’re heading for divorce court. I assume it works by detecting profuse sweating and a sudden interest in wearing cologne.

iDemocrat and iRepublican. Literally just a single screen with a picture of a donkey or an elephant, respectively, with the words “Proud to Be A” and the name of the party in question. I guess you’re supposed to whip it out at a bar, wave it around, and connect with politically like-minded types. Or you could use it to start a fight with your opponents, though can’t we just relegate the latter practice to Facebook, where it belongs?

Interestingly, there’s no iSocialist or iCrazy apps. Sanders and Trump supporters, this is what’s called a Market Opportunity.

Nails on Chalkboard. If my sister is reading this, she has already dropped to the floor in the fetal position. That’s right, you can now watch a hand scrape across a chalkboard and torture everyone in the immediate vicinity. AND, thank god for technological progress…it’s now in HD!

Poo Keeper, the toilet poop tracker. Nope, not explaining it and not taking a screen shot either. I will tell you that there appear to be about a dozen competitors vying to own the Poop Tracking space.

Kissing Test. You kiss the lips on the iPhone screen and it rates your technique. Includes exercises for improving your game. Ensures that you will not be needing the Contraction Timer anytime soon, because who in their right mind would want to mate with someone who makes out with their smartphone?

***Hey! I had two pieces published on other sites this week that you might call “bookends to the college selection process”…hope you’ll click through to check them out!What Not to Say to My High School Senior This Fall – Washington Post “On Parenting”Competing Hopes of Parents and Kids: Freshman Edition – Grown and Flown