Listening: How to Not Suck
We all want greatness. Let’s start first with not sucking.
Before we can talk about how not to suck at listening, we must be truly
honest about how we currently suck. Badly.
The first of all 12-Step Programs is to admit you have a problem.
Here are two you need to own.
1. You suffer from ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder.
(Don’t feel bad or get defensive. So does everyone you know. We all do.
Welcome to the overloaded, too-much-coming-at-us 21st century!)
2. You often Listen to Object or to Add Your Two Cents, not to understand.
(C’mon, admit it. Again, you’re among the majority. Most of us do this
far too often.)
There. You have now taken the first steps towards not sucking.
Please remember though, the moment you forget those two admissions,
you’ll start to suck again. Got it? That’s how sucking/not sucking works.
Now we can begin.
There is already lots of great advice on this topic. Here, here, here, here,
here and here are a few examples.
Here is How to Not Suck, Simplified
1. Be present. Fully.
Phone down. Electronics off. Your eyes meeting speaker’s eyes.
2. Interruptus NOTus.
Let the speaker finish. Fully.
3. Got Notes?
Situation-dependent. Your spouse or kid telling you about his or her day:
Probably not a good idea to take notes! A business meeting: Probably a good idea! Note: If you wish to take notes electronically (tablet, etc.), make sure
you practice your capturing method until it’s as rote as writing with a pen.
Many people who take notes electronically focus mainly on capturing and
not the conversation. Also: Camera apps are great for capturing slide content while staying focused on what’s being said.
4. Recap for Understanding and Meaning.
BEFORE you share any of your thoughts, ask: “So what I think I hear you
saying is…” (or some variation of that), and give the speaker a chance to agree or help you understand differently than you thought you had. Repeat Steps 1-4 as needed.
5. Share, Respond?
BEFORE you share any of your thoughts, remember: That’s where listening stops. Silence is also OK! If you must share, the WORST thing you can do is shut down the conversation with “Yeah, but”s… (“But” is considered the Great Eraser, eliminating the other person’s perspective.) A better response is a two-parter:
• “I like…” (start with this one first)
• “I wonder…?” (frames your part of the conversation in a way that
furthers it instead of shutting it down.) (Source: IDEO/ExperiencePoint)
6. Finally: Make More Purple
The most crucial part of listening: Allowing what you’ve heard to affect your thinking, reasoning, conclusions, ideas. Let’s say your point of view is Red.
Let’s say the speaker’s is Blue. Even if you completely disagree, the conversation is still an opportunity to learn, to grow, to enhance your point of view. Constantly seek ways to make more Purple, incorporating other people’s thinking into
your own.
Not sucking is being totally present, continuously learning and
growing from others and to be your best.
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