Random Wednesday: The Random Vagina

I was reading TPM, something I do daily, when I hit this article:

Texas Woman Arrested With Loaded Handgun In Vagina

It took me awhile to wrap my head around that.

First of all, vagina or vulva? Because it would take some shoving to get a gun into a vagina, and she had a bullet in the chamber. She’d have to Kegel like crazy to keep a (I’m assuming small) gun in her vulva, but getting it clear up in there? Of course, she was also carrying a lot of meth, so that would help.

Then the article says she told the cops it was up there. As in “police found a loaded Smith and Wesson pistol with a round chambered” in this woman’s interior space. I’m not sure “found” is the right word here–“Hey, Bill, look what I found”–but more than that–how did they find it? Would you go up there looking for a loaded gun?

And then I wondered, why did she tell them? Was she afraid they’d do a cavity search and set it off accidentally. “Before you go in there, you should know . . .”

And that reminded me that a code word for vulva in Shakespeare’s time was “purse.” I googled to make sure and found a lot vulva and vagina purses on Etsy. Again, I thought, “Why?” but if it exists, it’s on the internet, and I was the one who put the key words in, so I should have seen that coming.

And then I thought of the vagina dentata. As always, TV Tropes has a more fun explanation than Wikipedia, but it’s basically a very old terrified male myth of the woman whose vulva is lined with teeth that will bite down. According to TV Tropes, there are anti-rape female condoms that are \ this myth made real. Also according to TV Tropes, “It’s worth noting that if a (normal, human) woman really did have teeth down there, she would still need to Kegel the crap out of her pelvic muscles to make them strong enough to tear skin.”

Of course, if you have a loaded gun in there, kegeling would be a remarkably bad idea.

In other news from TV Tropes, there’s a movie called Teeth about a teenage girl who discovers while being raped that she has a vagina dentata.

And now I’m looking at this scene in a whole new way (warning: what has been seen cannot be unseen):

Really, that’s a feminist statement. A really angry, vulvular, feminist statement.

Where was I? Oh, right, the gun up the crazy. So I did some more googling and found this:

During Castaneda’s transport to the jail she told the officer that she had concealed a handgun inside her vagina. Officers immediately stopped and a female officer searched Castaneda discovering she had in fact placed a loaded Smith and Wesson pistol inside her body cavity. The weapon had a round chambered and a full magazine of bullets.

So were they going over potholes and she thought, “This could be a problem?” Here’s a picture of the gun from that same article:

I wish they would have put something beside it to show scale. Like a tampon maybe.

Again from TV Tropes, which is so much better than Wikipedia:

A Japanese legend involves a demon hidden in a woman’s vagina, who would bite off men’s penises until he broke his teeth on a specially-made steel dildo made by the woman’s eventual husband, who also was the local blacksmith. The legend is commemorated with the Kanamara Matsuri (Festival of the Steel Penis) where people eat loads of phallic pastries. Today, it is also used to raise money for AIDS awareness and research.

Okay, fine, there’s a demon in there, but why is he male? Give a woman a little power down there and it’s immediately co-opted. On the bright side, there’s pastry:

Those are actually lollipops, I couldn’t find a picture of the pastries, but really, google that festival. It looks like a blast.

But back to the woman who probably did not have a concealed carry permit. (You know, the jokes just write themselves.) The thing that kept me obsessing on this was the bullet in the chamber. Let’s just accept that a vulva is a good improvised holster if you’re carrying a lot of meth and intend to defend it with gunfire. (Just go with me here.) How long does it take to chamber a bullet? I know nothing about guns, but surely the few seconds that chambering the bullet would take would be adequately compensated for by the “Is she pulling down her pants?” “My god, she’s not wearing underpants,” “WTF is she pulling out of there?” “You can keep things in there?” “OH MY GOD IT’S A GUN” series of thoughts any attacker would have to cycle through.

Plus, after I thought about it, the only way you could carry a gun up there is if you used the barrel in a tampon-like manner which would mean you could keep clenched around the barrel with the handle (grip?) of the gun in your vulva. Which means you’d be pointing a loaded gun at your spine.

At that point, I remembered I had a lot of work to do and and quit googling, but this one is going to stay with me.

And now I’ve shared it with you. Have a nice day and don’t put loaded guns in body cavities. It never ends well.

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