Not Alone

I am an expat. I live in the Middle East. In a western friendly, holiday like nation. The term expat, is a word I can recall hearing and having an aversion to. I thought it meant someone who threw away their affiliation with their nation of birth. As though they didn’t care for it anymore.

I know now that this is not what it means. Certainly not in my case and not in the cases of many. It basically means that through whatever mad set of circumstances, an ‘expat’ has wound up living in a place where they are not from. I’ve since found that many expats aren’t so bad.

I moved to England at the age of nineteen. I was not from there. My husband was and is. After living there for ten years (the majority of my twenties, and thus the first decade of my adult life), I can honestly say I feel a bit from there. I understand accents that at first baffled me. I am comfortable being there, it doesn’t feel ‘foreign’.

I accepted the cultural differences, even grew to relish some of them. Granted, this wasn’t ridiculously difficult as the cultural differences between the USA and UK, though considerable, are not outrageous. The circumstances that led me to live in England were not due to any trauma in my home country.

Even now, I stand out a bit in England. I can’t erase the Midwesterner in me, nor would I want to. I am recognized as an American by the way I speak every time I head back to visit. Now, when I head back to the States, my ‘Britishness’ gets noticed.

It’s been a while since I’ve lived in the US longterm, and to be honest I never did the real ‘grown up’ thing in the USA. I associate it with my childhood and adolescence. When I go back, it’s really quite sentimental. It’s also jarring as I feel totally out of touch. But it is not ‘foreign’ to me. It never will be.

The local Arabic culture is still a relative mystery to me. It really isn’t something you become part of just like that. I recognize the flag and national dress here and I do like Arabic food. I am aware of traditions involving falcons, horses and camels.  In most of my experiences the locals come across as polite, tolerant and accommodating.

Many of the local people have travelled to Europe and the UK for vacation. The heat is intense between late April and early October. Thus if it is affordable, local folks as well as expats are keen to escape the heat of Arabia.

I am aware that there are other types of people who seek to get into Europe and it isn’t to escape the undesirable weather. It is to escape the things on the news most cannot even bear to look at.

I’ve spoken to folks back in the UK who, absolutely hating English weather feel that the upheaval of ‘expat’ life would be worth it just for a bit of sun. They are thinking of beaches in front of very fancy hotels, a certain amount of glamour.

I don’t think that I am terribly clever or cool for having spent a few years over here. I have gained as well as lost from it. I’ve gained the experience of meeting people who otherwise I would never have had the pleasure of knowing.

Yes I do have a perspective on things that is very different had I stayed in the US, or even had I stayed in the UK. In no way do I assume that this perspective is superior to the one I otherwise would have had.

I am missing someone wherever I am. I will never have all the people who are important to me in one town or one country even.

Thank goodness, in stark contrast to the desperate, forcibly displaced people on the news, I’ve never to seriously worry for the safety of my loved ones. They are just far away and I miss them. But I am not alone.

And there are times when living here isn’t easy.

I can’t imagine there is an environment anywhere where one can escape from life’s first class jerks. I’ve had a couple of unpleasant experiences involving men who thought that because I was a woman without a male escort and that because I was polite when approached, it meant I was open to some sort of seedy encounter.

I have since been told by friends here that my response of ‘no thank you, I’m married and I have children’ was inadequate. The necessary response was to ignore them, scowl deeply and tell them to go away in an angry tone. So much for diplomacy.

This situation is not unique to me. Nor does it only occur where I live. Yes it is packaged differently, but it does occur the world over. The words ‘no thank you’ and even ‘no’ are meaningless. Even in situations and in countries when the barriers of language and vast cultural differences are not an issue.

There is no nation on this earth where good and bad types exist and the good types don’t often throw their hands in the air and think ‘why on earth do you behave like this? You are giving us ALL a horrible reputation!’

But let’s be real. That situation is unpleasant. It is not horrific. It was not traumatizing. I’m sad my diplomatic reaction went unappreciated. But I am not alone, and I am alive and well.

Things the world over do not happen as they should. The significance of the words ‘No, and your behavior is quite unacceptable’ is completely ignored.

Nice, normal people from ALL NATIONS and walks of life don’t quite know how to deal with ‘the jerks’ or ‘the unpleasant ones’.

Sadly there are places where personality descriptions require more than the term ‘unpleasant’ or ‘inconsiderate’ or ‘jerks’. They are something else. It is because of this different category that hoards and hoards of desperate people seek a new life in foreign, unfamiliar places. Places they probably never imagined having to learn to exist in.

Those poor, desperate people wouldn’t choose to be ‘expats’. They aren’t bothered about the weather apart from how it relates to their literal survival.

Some folks moan about the weather being ‘too hot’ ‘too cold’. I include myself in this. I did it just this morning.

Then again, some disillusioned, lonely, alienated and very often young people fall for the false self empowerment of joining a vicious gang and committing vile acts against other human beings. They too at some point began complaining about something other than the weather.

I really can’t include myself in that one. I can’t imagine feeling so alienated. I can’t imagine the circumstances that would lead up to that. I don’t particularly want to.

A lot of people have sort of a ‘thing’ about the Middle East. Many only think of it in terms of what they see on news networks. To be fair I never knew of where I live now until my husband told me he had and likely would be working there in the future.

So, upon hearing ‘it’s in the Middle East’, well let’s just say a part of me panicked and images from the news began flashing in my head.

THAT was a few years ago. My experiences since have been mainly positive and in no way comparable with what began flashing through my head on that fateful day.

Admitting to being prejudiced isn’t a nice thing. Admitting to be uncomfortable around certain types of people is…well uncomfortable. So much so that I can’t quite bring myself to do it.

I would never want to shun anybody. At times, this is to my detriment. I’m polite to the point where folks get the wrong idea. There IS a time to be strong and quite impolite, a time to stick to your values.

There is even a time to question your values.

This has nothing to do with accepting drinks from pushy men or getting into their cars or giving them your number or whatever. That isn’t questioning values, that is something else.

There is a lot of talk about compassion, humanity, choosing love over hate. If we are going to do that we are going to have to be a little more honest with each other. A little more accepting. A little more forgiving. A little more open to new things. A little more ‘aware’ of how we make others feel with our actions and words. This goes for ANYONE who wants to live a peaceful life.

If it does not, this whole ‘choose love’ thing just might not work.

I’m an expat. I’m an idealist. I believe love and acceptance is stronger than hate and alienation. I’m not alone.