Plus-Sized Models Are Trying To Kill You, And Not In The Good Way

Dear Women,

Before we begin, I should tell you that I almost titled this post, “READ THIS IF YOU THINK YOU ARE FAT”. Practically every single woman scanning that label would have clicked on my post.

You ladies are obsessed with weight. It seems like every other story I see on television or the internet, is just another version of you telling me how fat or ugly you think you are. Maybe, if you got together and boycotted every product that had a commercial pushing a solution to fatness or ugliness, you might start to solve whatever is wrong with you, or at the very least begin to recognize what’s right about you.

I am not here today to discuss women’s negative body issues; quite the opposite. I am here to complain about your issues, ruining my bike-ride today. As I was about to leave for my regular ride, I saw a commercial for plus-sized lingerie. Now, don’t get me wrong; I like some meat on a woman. If you are a plus sized model that wants to try and kill me by riding my face, you can consider that challenge accepted.

My problem with the advertisement was that its goal was to be inspiring. It even included the hashtag #imnoangel. That ad is telling me that big girls want to bang, and frankly, I want to bang ever girl in that ad. Good job on that part. What that ad is trying to tell you, is that it is not only acceptable, but desirable that you are over-weight.

My bike-ride was ruined because I couldn’t stop thinking about that company’s blatant attempt to kill American women. Heart disease, cancer and diabetes all make the top ten list for causes of death in this country (1st , 2nd and 7th). It is a mathematical certainty that the majority of you will die from one of these diseases, and all of science agrees that diet and exercise play a huge role in putting that death off for a while.

Years before I was born, the powers that be convinced the American people that Twiggy and Barbie were sexy, and look how much trouble that has us in. Sorry, but I am putting my foot down on this one. The company that released that ad should face attempted-murder charges.

I get that some people are big because of genetics or illness, but that’s not the case with the bulk of them (pun intended… my immaturity is a concern… as is my over-use of ellipses). I have been chunky all of my life. I have always wished to be thinner, but I am not an idiot, I know exactly how to fix that situation. I also don’t give a shit if I die, but you all seem to care about your lives, so why are you not outraged?

You can be as proud as you want, but you cannot deny that you wish you were thinner. Americans spend $60 Billion annually, attempting to either lose weight or maintain it. I try to imagine how stupid this argument would sound, to one of the more than eight-hundred-million people in the world considered undernourished. In case you don’t know, that is twice the population of the United States.

The bottom line is that I don’t care if you are fat. I also don’t really care if you die. I am pissed because you made me quit my bike-ride at the ten –mile mark, instead of the usual twenty. I am going to have to make those ten miles up over the next week. It is going to suck, but if I don’t do it, I might die earlier and the plus-sized models will have already won.