Turn Off the Negative Voices

My girlfriend, Kelly, was over one day sipping tea and bitching about her mother. It seems Kelly can’t do anything right. Mommy Dearest always has something to say about how it could have been handled better, whatever IT is. Kelly loves her mom. She just doesn’t like her very much.

“This has been going on forever,” she said, close to tears. She was recounting how she had turned to her mother for emotional support when Jackson, Kelly’s husband, was diagnosed with severe heart problems.  “The first thing out of her mouth,” Kelly said, “was that if I’d cook more at home Jackson wouldn’t eat so much crap and wouldn’t have the weight issues.”

“So what Jackson puts in his mouth has become your responsibility?” I asked.

She nodded slowly. “You know, I just needed a place where I could vent my frustrations. I’m so scared for Jackson.”

I’ve watched Kelly dance around her mother for years. Kelly’s mom is a bitch, plain and simple. She always has a better way and is happy to tell Kelly so. Years ago when Kelly was still single, she was in a car accident on the way home from a party. Someone ran into her. Kelly’s mother didn’t have a minute’s worth of sympathy for her daughter. She made it clear that if Kelly hadn’t been out “partying” that night with her girlfriends, the accident would never have happened.

Many of us have people like Kelly’s mom in our lives: people who are happy to help us see our failings; people who point out how we should have handled the situation differently to get a better outcome; people who whine and cry about how hard their lives are even as they infuse ours with criticism.

Parents fill their children with fear in order to ‘warn’ and ‘protect’ them. Siblings manage to never outgrow the rivalries of childhood and are happy to poop on their brother’s or sister’s good fortune, labelling it as “just lucky.” Unhappy friends look for ways to bring others into their unhappiness so they can have a kindred spirit with whom to whine. Ever notice how it’s never the happy people around you who belittle you or challenge your self-esteem?

While matricide isn’t the answer to a mother who just will not let you forget the mistakes you’ve made, limiting how much time you spend listening to the harpies in your life is one of the best ways to improve your own self of well-being. For every minute you must spend parrying the jabs of negativity, give yourself the pleasure of being in company that encourages and applauds you. Over time, you want to reduce the ratio of negativity to positivity until those stabs and slashes become little more than the annoyance of a mosquito buzzing in your ear.

As for the people who would have you compare yourself to others with a view to shining a light on your shortcomings, remember that’s a fool’s game; if you play it, well, you’re a fool. It’s easy to look in at someone else’s life and think everything is peachy keen — “Facebook Happy” my daughter calls it. Since you can only see the bright and shiny people want you to see, you can’t compare that to your life with its real challenges and pleasures.

While you might be tempted to tell whoever is bringing the negativity to your doorstep just what a bitch they are — as I have been with Kelly’s nasty mother — don’t. Be kind. If you behave and think well of those who have no sense of just how horrible they are being (even as you reduce your exposure to them) it is you who will benefit most from that kindness. Judging and criticizing tends to be a circular activity over which we quickly lose control. Don’t let the negative in someone else bring out the negative in you.

Focus on the positives and positivity will be your reward.