Getting Over the Fear of Lingerie
I spend a lot of time talking about lingerie. A lot.
As a speaker and author, most of my job consists of going around the country and encouraging women to do scary things. Like tackle their clutter, or have that hard conversation with their kids.
And for some, the scariest thing I ask them to do is to put on some lingerie.
I would walk into these women’s groups, toss a teddy on the lectern, and extoll the virtues of what I called “Suiting Up”. Putting on some lingerie for your husband, even when, sometimes, you didn’t feel like it.
Because we’ve all read the books. (Well, to be specific, we’ve read For Women Only, Understanding the Inner Lives of Men.) And we know about men and their visual Rolodexes, and how in a good marriage, we women work to give our husbands more images than the world does. We know the fact – and we know that one of the best ways to help our men is to let them see us in lingerie (or out of lingerie, as the case may be.)
And while I was out there challenging all of you to suit up, I admit, I was struggling with this issue myself.
You see, I’m a size 18. On a good day.
I struggle with my weight. (OK, on most days I don’t struggle. The weight feels like it’s won…)
And not only does that affect my size, but let’s just say that there are topographical maps that have less mileage than the stretch marks on my stomach. So yes. I knew that my husband needed to see me in lingerie. The question is, would he want to?
And I’ve heard (or used) every excuse in the book:
It doesn’t come in my size. I’ve seen lingerie come up to a size 6X. I think you’ll be fine.
It’s too expensive. If you can buy it at Target, I think you’ve lost that argument.
What a waste of money. It only stays on for five minutes. And that, my friend, is how you know it’s working.
But my reasoning was beyond excuses, it went into abject terror early in my marriage. Here are the big fears that I dealt with, along with some questions I asked my husband to get the real scoop:
What if he thinks I look ridiculous? When I finally got brave enough to put on lingerie, my husband assured me, the only laughing that would ever come from him would be giggles of delight (along with a “YAY”.)
Is he comparing me to his first wife? (Or the poster of the Angel at Victoria’s Secret at the mall?) Nope. In fact, when I’m in front of him, wearing lingerie, he has made it known that there is nothing else in the world he’s thinking of. Nothing. All his attention is squarely on me.
Then he’ll know that I want sex. He says that this is a very good thing. It makes him feel loved and confident.
Yes – lingerie has been a struggle. But the good news? My brain is winning the lingerie war.
Here are a few things I’ve done to win the battle in my head:
Reading the right books. I need to keep the right thoughts going through my head and reading books like For Women Only and Through a Man’s Eyes help my brain stay in the right space.
Hanging out with the right women. Over my years of talking about lingerie, I’ve seen an interesting phenomenon happen: when a woman gets brave enough to talk about her struggle with lingerie, it’s amazing how other women can circle around her and show support. I’ve been told about several “Lingerie Interventions” where there have been groups of women who have supported each other on trips to get some updated sleep (or non-sleep) wear.
Talking with my husband. Who knew that one of the most powerful ways of fighting my fears was to go to the source? Have an honest conversation with your husband (not in the bedroom…) about what is going through your head. Let him know your fears and then hear the truth from him about how he really feels about you – and your body. Hearing his desire for you should be inspiring enough to make you be a bit braver in the bedroom.
Guest post by Kathi Lipp. Put even more fun in your marriage, for you and your husband, with Kathi’s new book Hot Mama – 12 Secrets to a Sizzling Hot Marriage!
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