3AM Thoughts (15)

It is growing dark; dark and cold. So cold, she observes as she puts a warm blanket over my shoulders.

I do not need the warmth.

But you are freezing.

Do you actually think it is the coldness outside that is chilling me down to the marrow of my bones?

What else could it be, she asks me petulantly.

I am icy from the coldness within me, within my mortally callous and empty insides. My iced heart, these frozen thoughts that might never thaw again.

The warmth of love will thaw them, you hopeless creature. In time.

I do not know how to ride the horse of Time. It throws me down each time I try to mount on it, do you not get it?

Then climb on your demons and fly away with them.

What if I am not able to find my way back?

There is always a way. You just need to keep your mind open and your heart acceptable. Her hope is resilient, I notice.

My mind is nothing but a mass of corrupted, jaded thoughts; heart nothing but an ice popsicle waiting to be licked in the hungry mouth of Death.

You need to down some vodka down your throat right now, she advises me as she brings some from the kitchen cupboard that has been rusting since last autumn. The sound of her steps on the marble floor is a staccato in the winter silence around us.

What then? After the taste and the warmth from the drink fades away and my mouth tastes as empty as my soul once more, what then?

Then you taste the bitterness of life all over again, of course, she

tells me and smiles mockingly.

But then I remember that an empty vessel like me cannot burn from whichever color of a flame you burn inside it; it cannot feel the bitter taste because it has lost all it senses. All it can do,

inevitably, is be turned into a desert from the sands of Time.

The snow outside stops. The one inside me continues to rage on. She blows out the candle as the one inside me has grown stiff from not been lighted since a long time. Swiftly, she treads to her room to go to sleep, the night finally taking its toll on her, whereas it is an inviting party for my demons within as their day has just started. So I wrap the blanket tight around my shoulders, my sword and club in hand, and wait for the first soldiers to come and lay ruin to the battleground up here in my head.