Feedback Request

Another revision of the query most recently featured here.:


Dear Evil Editor,

When Charlie's five-person video game team are exposed to radiation during a lightning strike, team Valor acquires [I would say "they acquire" rather than make us figure out that team Valor is the name of Charlie's team. I did suggest in my notes on the previous version using a pronoun there.] the magical abilities of their game characters. At the same time they find out Charlie's brother Rick is missing in action. [At the same time? You mean during the lightning strike?] 

Team Valor is now in a hurry; [Can they use magic to transport over? I only ask because if they need to take a plane from Tokyo to, say, Tel Aviv, that'll take over sixteen hours in the air, and that still leaves them about four hundred miles from Iraq. A direct flight from Tokyo to Istanbul is closer to twelve hours, but now they're twice as far from Iraq. This assumes there are still seats available. What I'm saying is, if you're a hurry to get to Iraq from Japan (or just about anywhere), you're out of luck.] Isis has kidnapped Rick and his squad and are beheading one man every eight hours. Team Valor will use their new abilities to sneak into Iraq and find Rick. At first Charlie thought sneaking into Iraq and getting out again using magic would be easy, but he quickly realizes how dangerous the situation is. Isis isn't a small group; it's a large group of heavily armed fanatics.

They have found and freed the hostages [Wow. That was easy.] and now must escape on foot across Isis territory. The first enemy engagement teaches them they can't rely on defensive magical abilities; the enemy is too numerous, the hostages too weak. Charlie will lead his team into battle armed with his magic spells, a stolen fire ax and a garbage can lid. [Those last two weapons are a joke. If his magic makes them useful, that's fine in the book, but in the query it just sounds like he's an idiot.] Accompanied by the rest of team Valor, a rogue who can kill ten men in ten seconds, [Isis is beheading three soldiers a day; this guy can kill 86,400 Isis members a day. Valor may not get to Rick in time, but Isis is in trouble.] a mage who can blow up tanks with fireballs and lightning, and a ranger who never misses what he shoots at, the odds of escaping increase despite the overwhelming force they face. [I don't see how the odds of escaping increase because Charlie is accompanied by these people if they're the same people he's been accompanied by the whole time.] [It's still not clear that the ranger, mage and rogue are the members of Valor rather than added allies. Also, I'd prefer that you refer to these people by their names rather than by rogue, ranger and mage. Also, when you start the sentence "Accompanied by the rest of team Valor... you eventually want to get to who it is who's accompanied by the rest of team Valor, namely Charlie. Also, you should include Sara on this list of people accompanying Charlie. In other words: Accompanied by the rest of team Valor--Bob who can kill ten men in ten seconds; Jimmy who can blow up tanks with fireballs and lightning; Eli, who never misses his target; and Sara, who can throw up impenetrable force fields--Charlie just might beat the odds and get his brother to safety.] With Sara behind them, shielding them with her magic, team Valor is a force to be reckoned with.

Valor is a 78,000 word YA fantasy.

Thank you for your consideration,


Notes

If rogue, mage and ranger are terms from the video game the kids play, then readers won't be familiar with them. The less you talk about the video game, the better. Millions of role-playing games have been played, and the players probably think their games are worthy of being novelized, but game players would rather play games than read about other game players.

Also, it's better for superheroes to fight super villains than armies. Superman could win a war by himself, but he focuses on Brainiac and Lex Luthor.

I appreciate the attempt to address earlier comments, but overall I don't think this is an improvement.