How To Be a “Real” “Writer” This “Summer”, Plus More Summer News!
Ah, summer. Lovers frolicking barefoot through the abandoned needle-strewn streets; furious, disowned dogs chasing children through the underfunded wilderness of once-proud public parks; the delightful bikini top worn by the strange man who waits for you outside your front door. Yet you won’t be witness to any of these delightful sun-month traditions. You’re a writer now, and that means dedication, isolation, and total darkness.
Close the blinds. Don’t let the shameless, sinful lure of the sun’s flirty rays distract you from your goal of endlessly working without having to deal with distractions like fun or human conversation.
Get rid of all timepieces. You need to be working off your “Writer’s Clock”, not running from the same schedule as the healthy, contented world outside. Trapped by yourself in total darkness, concepts like “day”, “night”, and “sleep” will lose all meaning.
Anything you write must be completed in a single session. Though this might sound tricky for a 90,000 word novel, there are plenty of writing tools available. These include “writer’s snuff” (amphetamines), “writer’s sherbet” (amphetamines), and a nice cup of “Furious Joe” (coffee and amphetamines). Remember, if it takes longer than 16 consecutive hours, it isn’t a masterpiece.
When it comes to language, be creative! Writing in a single language you can actually speak is yesterday’s trend. For the fiction of tomorrow, make sure it’s in as many tongues as possible. Fill in the blanks in your knowledge with make-believe. Is that word real Tagolog? It is if you believe hard enough!
So you’ve created your summer masterpiece, in 314 different “languages” – now you’re ready to get it published! There are plenty of “conventional” guides on contacting publishers available, but to really stand out from the crowd you’re going to need a megaphone, eighteen balloonsworth of helium, and a total disregard for public noise pollution ordinances. In order to reach hearing range of your dream publisher, you’re going to have to go outside. Make sure to protect your precious skin from the sun’s deadly rays using a “writer’s shroud” (king size Dora the Explorer bedsheet).
Congratulations! You’ve either stumbled into traffic and are lying mangled beneath the wheels of a heavy goods vehicle, your shattered frame held together with nothing more than a child’s bedspread, or, less likely, you’re actually a published author! But no time to waste – just a quick trip to the more isolated section of the park for some more “writing fuel” (gasoline and amphetamines) and it’s time to return to the darkness to write your next bestseller!
[INSERT AWKWARD SEGUE HERE: "speaking of stalking secluded sections of a public park whilst wrapped in children's bedding..."/"speaking of huffing gasoline and drugs in a public park whilst wrapped in children's bedding..."/"speaking of the darkness..."]
… there have been some exciting developments over the past Summermonth.
My novel Forget Yourself is being reprinted by Lethe Press, scheduled for release in 2016!
Lethe have done an excellent job with The Giddy Death of the Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights, and I’m delighted to be working with them again.
The Giddy Death of the Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights has received more positive reviews from Lambda Literary and Out In Print, and has been featured on the front page of Audible’s summer sale. It is also in the running for the Bisexual Fiction category of the Lambda Literary Awards.
“An oddball and one-of-a-kind romantic comedy” – Lambda Literary
“Is The Giddy Death of Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights a manifesto for polyamory and gender fluidity, or a quirky, well-conceived, interesting and optimistic read? Yes. And after you read it I promise you’ll want to talk about it with your friends, which may be the greatest endorsement of any novel.” - Out in Print
I angered homophobic Independent journalist Ruth Dudley
She’s so furious at my proposal that human beings be treated with a modicum of equality and respect that she’s put my qualifications in quotation marks. “Thank you” “journalist” “Ruth Dudley”. Also, right-wing Christians continue to be horrifurious at me.
A political chart I made using the glorious MSPaint has gone viral on The Facebook
Currently shared almost 1500 times, the chart details the linear political spectrum:
I turned 31, which is the least exciting age to turn
So that’s it for now! Remember, summer is all fun and games until someone gets hit by a beachball at a rooftop “beach party” and plummets 37 stories only to shatter the pavement in front of a horrified busfull of visiting French schoolchildren.
Summer is dangerous. Hide indoors until the frozen safety of winter.
- Summerfunfern
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