Feedback Request

The author of Valor (see post below this one) would like feedback on a revision.


Dear Evil Editor,

Charlie and his team are traveling to Japan to play in a video game tournament. Mysterious lightning hits the plane making them ill, but they continue to the tournament where they play brilliantly. [Do we need to know how they played?] By the end of the tournament they are so sick they are admitted to the Naval Hospital with radiation poisoning. In a fever ridden delirium Charlie intercepts the healer; he realizes what he just did [What did he just do? I don't know what you mean by "intercepts."] and begs her to heal them. Sara heals her team and they find themselves able to use the magic their video game characters had. [I suggested in the original version that you change the phrase "they all can do the magic that their characters had" (10 words) to "they have acquired their characters' magical abilities." (7 words) Instead you changed it to "they find themselves able to use the magic their video game characters had." (13 words) Why?] At the same time they find out Charlie's brother Rick is MIA.

Team Valor is now in a hurry; Isis is beheading the soldiers they kidnapped, [Whoa. You say that as if we know all about it. All you said was Rick was MIA, nothing about ISIS or kidnapping.] Charlie's brother Rick could have only hours to live. Stasia will use her new ability to become invisible to find a way to sneak over the border of Turkey into Iraq. Oz gets them aboard a helicopter using forged papers and magical disguises. Once in Isis territory Oz can use his locate spell to find Rick. Hawk can sense locations of people and animals in a six hundred yard radius, [semicolon] he's the perfect scout.  [Oz can use his locate spell to actually find Rick, so why do they need Hawk's ability to determine whether they're within 600 yards of Rick? If anyone's the perfect scout, its Oz, not Hawk.]

They have found and freed the hostages, but now must escape on foot across Isis territory. Charlie is a protection warrior intent on not only saving the hostages, but the girl he loves. The first enemy engagement teaches them they can't rely on defensive magical abilities; the enemy is to [too] numerous[comma] the hostages to [too] weak. [One use of "to" when you mean "too" is a typo. Two, and I'm worried you either don't know the difference or you didn't even bother reading this before submitting it. Either way, I'm moving on to someone else's query.] Charlie will lead his team into battle armed with a stolen fire ax and a garbage can lid [semicolon] his magic spells make him nearly invincible. Add in a rogue that [who] can kill ten men in ten seconds, a mage that [who] can blow up tanks with fireballs and lightning, and a ranger that [who] never misses what he shots [shoots] at [and] the odds increase of them escaping despite the overwhelming force they face. [Whattaya mean add them in? Who are they? Where'd they come from? The odds are even better if you add in Superman and Green Lantern, but unless you have them on speed dial, they aren't showing up. You've got a team of five people, one of whom is almost invincible, and they can't rescue Rick without help from three more superheroes? The three added heroes have better powers than team Valor. Fireballs and lightning are much better weapons than an ax and a garbage can lid. You'd never see the Avengers calling in the X-Men to help them rescue a guy.] With Sara behind them shielding them with her magic[comma] team Valor is a force to be reckoned with.

Valor is a 78,000 word YA fantasy.

Thank you for your consideration,


Notes

Sending a revision the same day your original query appears on the blog is never a good idea. It's been proven time and again.

When I suggested you trim the plot summary to three paragraphs I didn't mean three paragraphs that were twice as long as the paragraphs in the original. I meant three paragraphs the same length as your original paragraphs. For instance, this is enough info for a setup:

When Charlie's five-person video game team are exposed to radiation during a lightning strike, all of them acquire the magical abilities of their game characters. Charlie phones his mother to report they're okay, and learns that his brother Rick is MIA in Iraq. And "Team Valor" has its first mission.

I suggest you set the query aside and work on polishing the writing in the book. Your mechanics in this letter suggest that the book will be filled with comma splices, misused words, improper punctuation, etc.

Maybe you should write a book starring the rogue, mage and ranger. They could wipe out all of ISIS by themselves, while your team can't rescue one guy without help.