The One Where All Is The Same...

Three months.

That's the last time you heard from me.

Three months.

And what do I have to show from it?
32,672 words written.

That's not a lot.

It may seem like a lot for someone who doesn't write.

But it isn't.

Especially in three months.

I was hoping it would be done by now.

Hoping to have it out to you by the end of this month, or next.

But that's not happening.

Because writing this story is a super slow process.

I don't have an answer for why.

I know what's happening in the story.

I know where the story needs to go.

I have plot points written out for most of the chapters.

But I just can't write.

And it's so super annoying.

I sit down at my computer and do every other thing, instead of writing.

And once I pull up Scrivener, my mind draws a blank.

Write a group date? Should be easy. I even KNOW what the date is. But no words come.

Skip a few chapters and write a different date? Get 1,000 words into it, and....nothing.

Then there is the ever changing mind of mine.

Do I really want this to happen?
Is this where the story should go?
What if I changed this, and took this out? Is that easier for writing?
Will my readers believe this is really Nicki?
I need to make her meaner.
But she's actually a pretty nice girl under all the layers.
But no one will believe you if you write her like that.
But she needs to change, that's the whole point.
No one is going to believe it, Caylie. This is all a waste.
You're a horrible writer.

It's a back and forth thing.

Nothing is ever good enough.

It's frustrating, and makes me want to throw in the towel.

Now, I know I'm not a horrible writer.
I've published two full-length novels which readers seem to enjoy.
I get e-mails from readers telling me how much they loved my stories.

But for me, when you're in the midst of writing something and it's just not continuously clicking, you feel like you're the worst.

I thought I had hurdled it. In July I had gotten into the groove and wrote a ton.

But August brought me down.... a lot.

I've written all of 2,000 words this month.

I haven't even looked at my computer for a week.

I've changed my mind on the story, once again. Taking it in a slightly new direction.

I finally feel ready to attack the story again. Hoping my mind and my doubts don't resurface and I can just finish the first draft.

Finish enough to get it out to the beta readers and get a readers opinion on it.

That's where I need to get.

I need to just write.

Forget about everything else, and just write .

Write whatever Nicki tells me to write, and just go with it.

Don't doubt it. Don't question it. Just write it.

Okay, that last part was more for me than you.
I needed a pep talk.

So, I'm going to take my advice there and go write.

I'm so hoping I have a book for you by the end of the year.

And I'm hoping once I get past the second book slump, I won't have such a llloooooonnnnngggggg break between releases.

For now, I'm returning my attention to Finding Me (that's the working title for Nicki's story).
It needs to be written, she needs to be heard.
I just hope my brain cooperates.

Thanks for sticking with me this year.