Feedback Request

The author of Antonov's Diamonds, most recently featured here, would like feedback on the latest version of the query:


Former quixotic FBI consultant turned pawnbroker Flynn Christopher is asked by a friend at the FBI for a favor, Flynn's help in a bureau sting to recover a diamond once owned by Peter the Great.

Then he is asked to just a little further, the Feds need a brick and mortar storefront to lure a ruthless ex Russian Colonel, Alexei Antonov, into a trap, but Flynn is in over his head. Instead of a simple credit card scam in his pawn shops, Antonov tells Flynn his plans to rob a diamond mine deep in the wilderness of the Ural mountains. Antonov wants to use Flynn’s connection to over five thousand members of the American Pawnbrokers Association to sell his stolen diamonds. Who better, thinks Antonov, than pawnbrokers to move stolen goods. The problem is, Antonov is a psychopath. He double crosses then savagely kills everyone he comes into contact with. In a twist of fate, he thinks Flynn double crossed him and has stolen millions of dollars in diamonds from him. Now Flynn is marked for death.


Notes

If you want to convince people that your writing can make them more money than it costs to produce and distribute thousands of copies of your book, you're going to have to do better than this. You need to connect ideas and tell a coherent story.

It seems the whole point of telling us about the Peter the Great diamond is to explain why the FBI requests Flynn's help trapping Antonov, but having told us Flynn is a former FBI consultant, you don't need to further convince us. Especially as you don't even reveal whether the Peter diamond was recovered. Get rid of the Peter the Great sentence.

That brings us to the first sentence of paragraph 2, which is horrible, and not a sentence.

The sentence after that states that Antonov plans to rob a diamond mine, but a few sentences later Antonov thinks Flynn stole the diamonds. You're leaving out important steps. Like how the diamonds got into Flynn's possession so that he could steal them.

I'll take your word that pawnbrokers are the best way to move stolen goods. Out of curiosity, when the members of the American Pawnbrokers Association get together for their conventions, do they have panel discussions on how best to move stolen diamonds?

You can only savagely kill everyone you come in contact with so long before the authorities follow the trail of bodies to your door.

Here's a more cohesive version of what you've provided :

Former FBI consultant-turned-pawnbroker Flynn Christopher is contacted by an old friend at the Bureau. Seems the Feds need a brick and mortar storefront to lure a ruthless Russian ex-colonel, Alexei Antonov, into a trap. Supposedly Antonov wants to use pawn shops to run a simple credit card scam.

Wrong. Turns out the Russian has millions of dollars in stolen diamonds he wants to unload, and he's decided  pawn shops are the way to do it. He gives the stones to Flynn, who is to use his connection to the 5000-member American Pawnbrokers Association to move them. Flynn is in over his head, but you don't say no to a psychopath like Antonov.

Unsure what to do with the diamonds, Flynn turns them over to the FBI. He wants out, but Antonov wants to be paid, and he thinks Flynn has double crossed him and stolen the diamonds. Now Flynn is marked for death. But hey, what pawnbroker hasn't been marked for death a few times?


That wasn't a totally accurate summary, but at least it doesn't trigger more questions than it answers.