In Defense of the Drunk-and-Dial

If you’re a drinker like me chances are, every once in a while you wake up and say “what the hell did I do last night?”

For me, most of that involves sending drunken messages, i.e. the infamous drunk and dial. I might have a few too many and email someone before having a long, drawn out, occasionally blurry conversation.

Then, the next morning, I don’t remember the conversation, but I do manage to regret it. I think “damn my drinking. I would have never said something so stupid if I’d been sober.”

I have the feeling a lot. See by nature, I am non-confrontational. I tend to avoid it when I can and pretend I’m not pissed when I am. Then, half a box of wine (I’m so classy) in, suddenly, I’m having all these epiphanies. I’m thinking “why have I never said this to them before? I’ve been stewing about it for years. Might as well say it now…”

So I do. I feel great about it. Until I sober up. Then I think “what the fuck did I say? Oh shit, I bet they’re pissed. I’m just going to avoid Facebook for say the next…thirty years and things will be cool”

But I don’t actually avoid it. While I’m mostly non-confrontational, I’m also not a coward. So once I recover from my hangover, I go back in and reread the things I said.

And you know what I think as I reread those messages?

“I’m actually pretty god damn glad I said that because it needed to be said.”

Here’s the deal. I’m actually a very nice person. While I come across harsh here, this page is kind of all about rants, so of course you’re going to hear about the things that piss me off. You’re seeing one side of me.

But there’s a lot you don’t see. You don’t see the emails I exchange with countless strangers giving them tips on how to improve their website rankings and sell their books. You don’t see the large circle of friends I have and the fact that I’m generally the first person they’d call if they needed to be bailed out of jail…which as far as I’m concerned is the litmus test for being a good friend. I respond to every piece of fan mail or question I get, no matter how stupid they might be. I listen to my friends bitch endlessly about their lives and never ask a thing in return. If you’ve ever had anyone attack you in the comments of my page, you know I’m the first person to respond and come to your defense.

I can say this with 100% certainty. I am not the kind of person who asks for help. I’m the kind of person who gives it. Unfortunately, that tends to breed an environment where people think they can take my kindness for my weakness.   But for the fact that I have a hair trigger temper and a fondness for Reisling, that might be the case. But much like Popeye with his can of spinach, that glass of wine makes me suddenly strong.

So if I’m sending a pissed off message, you know what? It needed to be said and the person on the receiving end had it coming. As I pull up the drunken messages I sent after several months’ worth of benders I have to say that actually wasn’t that bad. It could have been much worse….though it likely could have been spelled better.

But I’m glad I said it.

Because when you don’t say what you need to say, your last day of your life becomes you waking up from a bender. You think “shit, what did I do? What did I say? What should I have said that I didn’t?”  By the time you think that, it’s too damn late. You can’t go back in time and fix it. You can only move on.

So occasionally I imbibe a bit too much and say more than I should have. When I’m sober, I say far less than I should. In my mind, that makes me even Stephen. More importantly, it ensures that I don’t wake up on the last day of my life and view my entire life as a bender where I regret everything I should have done….with significantly more spelling errors.

So people, if you’ve gotten a drunken email from me in the past, I’m not flowing in a downward spiral. I’m climbing my way up a story pyramid. That story pyramid might include a bit more profanity than most, but it always ensures that I am exactly where I need to be.

And where I am is on top, regretting nothing…and probably loaded.