An anxious wait
Leaning back in my seat, my outstretched arms grip onto the steering wheel. My heartbeat echoes in my ears quickening my breath. The twist in my stomach, and the racing thoughts in my brain push me to continue down the road before parking along the gutter. As I pull up, a large black dog barks madly at me from behind a waist height chain link fence. If it wasn’t for the heavy restraint binding him to one of the houses stumps I am sure he would delight in tearing me to pieces. Despite the horrendous noise the animal is making, no one comes outside to inspect the cause of its outburst. The front yard appears as though it was recently mowed, but the backyard is a mass of weeds and long stalks of grass. Movement through the louvered window forces me to avert my eyes. I take off my seatbelt and open the car door.
Once outside of its safety I press my button and here the clunk as the car locks. I walk cautiously down the driveway that follows the fence of the rabid dog’s house towards another dilapidated dwelling. I hate being here. Hate being in this neighbourhood altogether. The dog continues its ruckus following me until its bark becomes a choking sound mixed with bits of coughed up howling. As I stride further out of its view, where the overgrown backyard can hide me, it falls silent.
The house I am approaching is surrounded in grass just as long as its neighbours, its windows screens are torn and hanging from what is left of their seals. Yellowed curtains attempted to hide the activity within. As I approach the screen door a sharp smell wafts up my nose and I do my best not to sneeze or cough. I am already in a neighbourhood I don’t belong in, I don’t want to offend Snake or his friends. Snake is the man I am here to visit. I’m not sure if it is his home, or if he just uses it to conduct his business. But he is always reliable and friendly.
My attempt at a knock rattles the screen door almost off its hinges. A weedy young man, with slumped shoulders, and a grey coloured beanie, arrives at the screen. He doesn’t say a word. He simply lifts his eyebrows, his cigarette bobbing up and down in his thin lips.
“Snake… I’m here to see Snake,” my voice trembles.
He nods and disappears into the house. A moment passes and no one else has come to the door. I glance around hoping no one else arrives while I am here. It wouldn’t be any one I know. No one I know would be caught dead in a place like this. But all the same, a panicked tingle pulses through my body keeping me alert. In a burst of commotion the dog down the driveway begins barking again, alarming me that someone else is coming. What if Snake isn’t here? What if these people are waiting for someone, someone who might hurt me? Nobody would ever think to look for me here if I went missing.
A figure appears down the end of the driveway. My body is tearing itself apart inside, fighting with itself to decide if it should run or stay. Despite the overwhelming need to run my body stays rigid on the spot. As he approaches I notice his long beared and his naked head. It is Snake. A strange sense of relief falls over me at the sight of him. He will have what I need and everything will feel better.
“Wendy,” he smiles.
It always feels like a genuine smile, sometimes I have to remind myself who he is. What he does.
“Do you have them?”
“Do you have the cash?” He is still smiling, but it doesn’t hide the sinister look deep in his eyes.
I dig in my pocket and pull out two notes. He nods, takes the money from my hand and disappears inside. He always does it this way. Leaves me outside hoping he actually comes back with the goods. He doesn’t have to. He knows if he didn’t come back I would leave quietly without saying a word. But every time without fail he returns with what I need.
“Here you are,” he hands me a small packet of tablets.
I take a deep breath in, and breathe out heavily. I hadn’t realised I’d been holding my breath until now.
“Thank you. Have a nice day.”
I always say that. I’m not sure why? Maybe it made it feel more like a normal transaction?
“See you next week Wendy,” he watched as I walked back up the driveway towards my car.
He always did this, making sure one of his regular clients made it to the safety of her vehicle. As I walk past the low chain link fence the large black dog begins barking once again. I quicken my pace, unlock my car, and climb in. I know I should wait before I take one, but the whole ordeal has me on edge. Just one is all it will take to calm me. Mellow me out so that I can drive safely and make it through the afternoon.
I pull a little yellow bar out of the small plastic bag and swallow it down with a mouthful of lemonade. The lemonade is hot from sitting in the car, but it does its job and a wave of relief washes over me. The dog is still barking, threatening to interrupt my approaching relaxation, so I decide to leave. I pull over at a small park a few blocks away and lean back in my chair. Looking at the clock I still have twenty minutes. That is plenty of time for my tablet to kick in.
Soon my heart rate is dropping to a dull thud, my breathing slows and deepens, and a small smile crawls across my lips. I open my eyes and I am melting, blending into the fabric of my car seat. For the first time today I take in the world around me, the bright blue sky holding up the brilliant sun that is warming my thighs. After enjoying the calm for a moment I take off once again.
The traffic is horrendous. Thank goodness I took my tablet when I did. How these people do this every day I don’t know? I assume most people were on some type of medication to make it through the day. Medication to calm themselves, for giving them a boost of energy, for making them thinner, for bulking them up. I wondered how many of these people took something to make their lives easier, to make themselves a better person.
As I pull into the pickup zone I see their smiling faces. Their eyes lighting up when they see I am here to pick them up. That look makes me proud to be their mother. A twinge of guilt finds its way into my mind but the tablet is in full effect now and melts the worry away.
When I pull in Amber yanks open the door with a wide grin, “Hey mum!”
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